Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 12

Dr. Freeman: Let's take the time to talk about your feelings towards women.
Charlie: Nope.
Dr. Freeman: Would you rather we talk about your childhood?
Charlie: Nope.
Dr. Freeman: Father?
Charlie: Dead.
Dr. Freeman: Mother?
Charlie: Killed him.
Dr. Freeman: Would you like to discuss that?
Charlie: We just did.

Dr. Freeman: Alright...so your brother had a panic attack in the middle of a bookstore...how'd that make you feel?
Charlie: What the hell do my feelings have to do with anything?

Alan: Let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western Civilization.

Charlie: Anyway, last night I am out with my stupid, lame ass brother.
Dr. Freeman: Sounds like you you've got some anger towards him...
Charlie: Oohh, you're good.

Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting...and I am all for messing around with brain chemistry...I mean, that is how I got through High School. But in my experience popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as... bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it, you're desperate and I am full of whooie.

Charlie: Just because I took him in doesn't mean I have to listen to him.

Dr. Freeman: You still went to the movie?
Charlie: I bought those tickets online. They don't refund those.

Alan: Did you see how happy Jake was to be spending the night away from me?
Charlie: Why'd you say that, because he jumped out of the car while it was still moving?

Dr. Freeman: You're thinking of killing your brother?
Charlie: Shh... doctor-patient confidentiality.

Dr. Freeman: I'm still not clear on what it is you would like me to help you with? Ah, your anger issues? Your sexual issues? Drinking?
Charlie: No, no, no, that's all cool.

Dr. Freeman: Ah yes, the Malibu Fire Department. I have several patients who compulsively masturbate to their calendar.
Charlie: No kidding.
Dr. Freeman: Both sexes.

Alan: Do you smell something?
Charlie: Yeah, what is that? (Both stare at the drapes on fire) I think you do these things just to piss me off!

Charlie: Which one's Amy?
Alan: Amy is the one who overcame the eating disorder.
Charlie: Starving herself or throwing up?
Alan: Does it make a difference?
Charlie: It does if you're paying for dinner.
Alan: Amy is the brunette.
Charlie: Got it. So I have Jennifer.
Alan: You mean Beth.
Charlie: Oh right, right, B for blonde.
Alan: B can also be for brunette.
Charlie: But Amy is the brunette, you could do A for anorexic.
Alan: Unless its B for bulimic.
Charlie: Good point, we're gonna need a new system.

(Charlie hits Alan on the head)
Charlie: Did you know I was gonna do that?
Alan: No!
Charlie: Then I wouldn't trust your psychic powers.

Dr. Freeman: Is your brother seeing a therapist?
Charlie: How would I know?
Dr. Freeman: He's your brother. He lives with you?
Charlie: So.

Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.

Dr. Freeman: (to Charlie) So in the words of Marvin Gaye, what's going on?

Dr. Freeman: Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie: Does massage therapy count?