Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream 'civil union'!
(Alan and Jake are staying the night)
Teddy: Oh, great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.
Alan: (describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!
Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.
Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it would be perfect to keep our keys in.
Charlie: Well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.
Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!
Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
Charlie: (to Alan) And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch. No one's welcome here!
Jake: Fruit? That's all you got, fruit?
Evelyn: Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Well, yeah, Frankenberries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming I would have stocked up on crap.
The German episode title is "Die Schale des Anstoßes". The French title is "La coupe est pleine", meaning "The Cup Is Full". The Italian title is "Chi la dura la vince", meaning "He Who Persevere Wins at Last". The Spanish title is "Las esposas y el látigo están en el cuarto de invitados", meaning "The Handcuffs and Whip Are in the Guest Room".
International Airdates: Slovakia: January 21, 2010 on Markiza
Charlie sings, "My house, in the middle of my street," playing on the chorus of the 1982 song, "Our House", by Madness.