Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 18

Alan: I'm all tapped out. All I have left to put on eBay is a kidney or a lung.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Charlie: You don't dry clean a rented tuxedo. You don't redecorate a hotel room. You don't order cable for a port-a-potty…unless you're really, really drunk. And you don't take on the bills of a girl that's got the attention span of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

Berta: (about Jake) Sweet kid.
Charlie: Yeah.
Berta: Shame he'll never be anything more than a burden on society.

Charlie: What are you auctioning?
Alan: Well, a few rare books, a couple of lithos, a set of golf clubs…
Charlie: Since when do you play golf?
Alan: Uh, well, technically, they're your clubs.
Charlie: You're stealing from me?!
Alan: Oh, come on, you only bought 'em so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians!

Alan: (on the phone with the dentist) Who told you to look at her wisdom teeth?
Charlie: That girl's got wisdom teeth?

Alan: Can I have some privacy, please?
Charlie: Sure. Get your own place.

Charlie: (to Alan) I'm going to solve all your problems (walks out with a baseball bat) Do you want see it coming, or should I surprise you?

Sid: Well, dear heart, I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings, but there's a chance that some unscrupulous businessperson has taken advantage of your good nature.
Kandi: Boy, that happens a lot.

Sid: All right, Mr. Harper, I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.
Alan: She's, uh…she's not my daughter.
Sid: Oh. Good for you. Anyway, the prognosis looks pretty bleak.
Alan: I understand.
Sid: I mean, the vehicle was on fire.
Alan: I know.
Sid: What is she, like 21?
Alan: Twenty-two.
Kandi: And a half.
Sid: Good for you.
Alan: Yeah, yeah, but what about the car?
Sid: Oh, the car? The car's got to be 25, 26 years old.