Alan: The War of 1812 was...
Charlie: (looking at Jake's test) Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?
Charlie: (about Evelyn) You can't show weakness, Alan, she'll sense it. Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
Alan: But don't you feel, even a little bit sorry for her?
Charlie: Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden snake? Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby?
Evelyn: I see! So you're both turning against me!
Charlie: No, I turned a long time ago, Alan's just catching up.
Judith: (to Alan, who was trying to pretend he wasn't home) Why were you hiding?
Charlie: Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? Why does the helpless piglet hide from the ravenous wolverine?
Alan: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: (imitates buzzer) Louisiana Purchase.
Jake: I knew that!
Alan: Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Charlie: (drunk) You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut.
Jake: Sno Balls?
Charlie: Yeah. Can you still get those?
Jake: Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Charlie: Thank you. (pauses) Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
Alan: No, we're trying to study.
Charlie: Okay. I'll pretend like I'm not even here.
Evelyn: (when Jake gets an A on a test) How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!
Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?
Charlie: (when Judith drops Jake off for the weekend) Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along.
Judith: Where's Alan?
Charlie: He's not here.
Judith: Really? I told him I was coming.
Charlie: That's probably why he's not here.
The German episode title is "Kein Truthahnhals für Oma", meaning "No Turkey Neck for Grandma". The French title is "Grand-mère indigne", meaning "Indignant Grandmother". The Italian title is "Il pianeta degli animali", meaning "Planet of Animals". The Spanish title is "Esas Cosas con Coco", meaning "Those Things with Coconut".
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