Dr. Freeman tells Charlie that the therapy hour costs $350. Then she says $7 a minute, which means that it lasts 50 minutes. In other episodes, she says the session is a full hour.
Charlie says the title Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous in this episode.
Charlie: My mom took my temperature the baby way until I was eight years old.
Dr. Freeman: Have you ever had sex with a man?
Charlie: No! No! Absolutely not! (Sighs) All right, I copped a feel once but I was drunk and he had breasts.
Charlie: (To Dr. Freeman) But, when it comes to penises, I'm pretty clear the only one I want winking at me is my own!
(Judith and Alan are discussing their marriage, and Alan's possible homosexuality)
Alan: There was no sex!
Judith: Exactly. All those years you were so miserable, and look at you now. You're glowing!
Judith: (To Alan, regarding the speculation that he is gay) I almost forgot. Your mother told me to tell you she's behind you 100%.
(Alan has just dropped off Greg)
Alan: At least I know who I am: a heterosexual nut job.
Charlie: What was the question?
Alan: Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie: That's easy. Alan Harper's an idiot.
Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.
Jake: (To Judith) Oh yeah, I think Dad's gay now. (Judith runs a red light) Mom, that was a red light!
Alan: All right, let's scoot away from the Clinique Counter for a minute and discuss some of the people you've attracted.
Charlie: Ok, ok, you're thinking about that time at the House of Blues, and there's no way I could have known that was a guy!
Alan: He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball.
Charlie: I was drunk. He was tucked, taped and gorgeous!
Alan: Come on, Charlie. You gotta admit, you put out a special kind of vibe.
Charlie: You don't mean special. You mean special !
Alan: You're 40 years old, you've never been married, you play the piano, you are meticulous about your appearance...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse.
Alan: Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, various hair gels, colognes, powders, and emollients.
Charlie: I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.
Alan: He's not my boyfriend. We're friends.
Charlie: Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you, something is amiss.
Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
(Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it)
Greg: Charlie, you smoke cigars?
Charlie: I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep'em lit.
Greg: Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.
Charlie: Don't get me started.
Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, 'don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.'
Charlie: Let's start again. Imagine you were a straight guy.
Charlie: No 'and.' That's it.
Alan: Greg knows I'm not gay.
Charlie: You sure? For 16 years he didn't know he was gay.
Charlie: (To Greg) I just think variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some like salt and pepper. Me, I like women!
Greg: (To Alan) Your brother's funny!
Alan: At first.
Greg: (Referring to gambling on ponies) Yeah, it's actually my second biggest expense after alimony.
Charlie: So all of your money goes to the nags, huh?
Greg: So Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get them organized.
Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: Really? Still?
Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other.
Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support group cause you're a whiny little wuss.
Greg: Hey, Alan, can I use your bathroom, or should I just pee off the deck?
Alan: It's right down the hall. Greg, this is my brother, Charlie. Charlie, Greg.
Greg: Nice place.
(Greg walks towards the bathroom)
Charlie: (to Alan) She's a little butch for you, isn't she?
(After Alan kisses Greg)
Greg: Trust me, you're not gay.
Greg: You seem disappointed.
Alan: I just...I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down.
Greg: Alan, it's okay to be straight.
Alan: I think I might be gay.
Charlie: What did you do, Alan?
Alan: Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together.
Charlie: Which piece did you put where, Alan?
Dr. Freeman: So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?
Charlie: Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello?
Dr. Freeman: For three hundred and fifty dollars an hour you can say anything you want.
Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better.
Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.
Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"?
Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: Oh, I just have a friend over for my single-parent support group.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, unattached moms. I gotta check out that group.
Alan: You don't have a kid.
Charlie: Are they really strict about that?
The German episode title is "Schwul ist cool", meaning "Gay is Cool". The French title is "Un gay peut en cacher un autre", meaning "One Gay Can Hide Another". The Italian title is "Il dubbio", meaning "Doubt". The Spanish title is "Metido, Dado un toque y Magnífico", meaning "Tucked, Touched, and Gorgeous".
This episode was included on the Emmy Awards 'For Your Consideration' DVD for this season.
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #178, which indicates the intended card was censored, but available to view elsewhere.
Though credited, Holland Taylor does not appear in this episode.
User Score: 682
User Score: 4274
User Score: 468
User Score: 617
User Score: 459
User Score: 307
User Score: 143
User Score: 89
User Score: 85
User Score: 78
User Score: 73
User Score: 66
User Score: 63
User Score: 62
User Score: 41
User Score: 40
User Score: 35
User Score: 35
User Score: 34
User Score: 34