Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8

Charlie: Alright, everyone, quiet down.
Girl: You're not our teacher. Why should we listen to you?
Charlie: All right, let me put it another way—SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!!!!

Charlie: (at Jake's school) Alright, well, it's been fun, but I'm officially resigning as the mayor of Boogertown!

Alan: The kids really need you.
Charlie: Yeah, but here's the thing. I don't like kids.
Alan: You like Jake.
Charlie: Jake's different. He's cool. He's our kid. The rest of them......blech!
Alan: What other kids do you know?
Charlie: I've seen them. Having tantrums in supermarkets, making everything sticky. And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they're cute.

Jake: (about his parents) I think they're gonna get back together.
Charlie: Oh, you do, huh?
Jake: Yeah, except if my dad moves back in my mom's house, I wouldn't see you anymore.
Charlie: Of course you'd see me. You could still have your room here, and I'll come visit.
Jake: You never visited before.
Charlie: That's because I didn't know you then.
Jake: That's because you never visited.

Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!

Jake: How come you're not helping mom and dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Unclie Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any.

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.

Charlie: You know, Learner and Lowe. My Fair Lady? Camelot? Aren't there any gay kids here?

Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That's very true.
Charlie: Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?