Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 11

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blond?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blond.

Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Alan: Kandi, What are you doing here?
Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
Alan: Where's your new boyfriend?
Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
Alan: Why didn't he bring you along?
Kandi: He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable.

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. (turns to Alan) We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh, really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. (turns to Judith) Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower? (Judith glares at Alan) On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake.

Charlie: You're leaving, too, right?
Alan: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie: You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.
(doorbell rings – Charlie turns and yells) Jake, time to go.
(turns back to Alan) Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.
Alan: Ho, ho, ho!
Charlie: That's another option.

Charlie: [sung to the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'] Four call girls, three French maids, two drunk twins, and a lap dance in a pear tree.

Charlie: (sung to the tune of Gloria In Excelsis Deo) Gloooooria, tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie: (sung to the tune of 'Joy to the World')
Joy to the world
I'm getting laid.
I'm getting, laid, tonight.
We'll light the yule log, deck the halls.
And then we'll play some jingle balls.
It's been a real long wait.
This is our second date.
It's Christmas Eve and I'm getting laid.

Berta: (carrying more eggnog) Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie: You said you were going home.
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie: This isn't a party. It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze. Oh, crap, it is a party.

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. (unwraps gift) Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel.

Dorothy: Alan?
Alan: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I...I...I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I'm not surprised. At the time you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan: Ah, well. I did it!

Alan: (opening a door) Jake?
Judith and Herb: (yelling) Whoa,Whoa,Whoa!
Alan: Judith, what the hell are you doing?!
Judith: You told me to fight for my man; I'm fighting for my man.
Herb: Alan, would you please close the door?
Alan: (to Herb) Sorry. (to himself) Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for me from that angle.

Berta: Ahh, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy.

Berta: Hey. I'm mixing up the eggnog, you want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind, so lets get her ploughed.
Berta: Hallelujah!

Alan: (Gives Jake his gift) You can open it tomorrow with your mother (...Jake starts to rip it open) or you can rip it open now with your teeth like a rabid jackal.

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle.
Rose: A Christmas miracle.

Judith: Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé.
Alan: Actually, the way I see it your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Alan, I can make your life a living hell.
Alan: How would I know the difference?