Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 4

Berta: He folded, didn't he?
Charlie: My ass is covered with lip prints.
Berta: Damn!

Alan: I couldn't bring a woman to one of those places. The only way I would get sex was if I molested a rat.

Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs.

Charlie: Sure, you can stay. You're like family.
Berta: I've seen how you treat family.

Alan: You mind looking after Jake while I'm gone?
Charlie: If it will help you get outta here, I'd breast feed him for you.

Evelyn: I have a final alternative.
Alan: And what would that be?
Evelyn: Run straight to your brother's ass, and kiss it repeatedly.

Berta: (to Alan) Way to stand up for yourself. Are we really out of meatloaf, or were you just saying that to piss him off?

Alan: Jake, I think we have overstayed our welcome.
Charlie: Jake is still welcome, you're the one with the attitude.

(Both Charlie and Alan look at Berta for advice in their argument)
Berta: Oh, don't put me in the middle, I love you both.

Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets.

Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I ....?
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Berta: (to Alan) I have five brothers and sister, which would explain why I'm such a people pleaser.

Alan: What about the other thing?
Jake: What other thing?
Alan: The thing you thought I was thinking?
Jake: I'm sorry, Dad, you lost me.

Jake: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine....
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: I'm masticating.

Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got 'victim' written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Charlie: (staggering down the stairs) Never, never, never again.
Berta: You gonna stop drinking?
Charlie: Don't be ridiculous. I'm gonna stop waking up.