Pete: Why should I listen to your advice?
Ashley: You're right, why should you? I haven't slept alone in six years and you're heckling people in better shape than you.
Berg: I'm going to make this brief so that you get off my couch.
Berg: You were running in the marathon?
Germ: Still am.
Sharon: Which do you think would look better on a salad plate? A napkin fan or napkin swan?
Berg: Sharon how can you even ask? Don't you know that napkin swans thanks to hunting are near extinction?
Sharon: Is it really that hard to say 'I don't care'?
Sharon: How can a place with this many air fresheners smell this bad?
Johnny: We have bigger problems - the popsicle has stuck to my face
Pete: Ashley come on, open the door! The sun is down so I know you are out of your coffin!
Johnny: You think Berg is jealous of me?
Sharon: Who wouldn't be, you have me!
Pete: I guess I always wanted to be a fireman ever since I found out I couldn't be a superhero - capes make me look chunky,
Pete: (to marathon runner) Hey buddy, I don't want to freak you out but there are 3,000 people chasing you!
Berg: We had to drink alone on St Patrick's Day!
Pete: Yeah, Sharon, three leprachauns are funny, two are just sad.
Berg: Yesterday I stacked some beakers on some cotton balls... there was an incident.
a.k.a. "Two Guys and a Bachelorette"