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Sharon Carter Donnelly
Michael Leslie "Berg" Bergen
Peter "Pete" Dunville
Sharon: (To Pete) I love that you were the last person in this room to see your girlfriend naked!
Berg: You know when you think about it, I actually brought you and Nicole closer together!
Pete: I'm not gonna thank you!
Berg: Your happiness is thanks enough.
Pete: Berg, I should've disowned you, but I didn't. That's the price that come with being your friend; you gotta forgive a lot.
Sharon: If he was still upset, you would've gotten a call by now. This isn't the kind of thing you keep bottled up.
Pete: (Comes in, looks at Berg) YOU!
Sharon: See what I mean?
Berg: Look, it wasn't me. Okay, it was me. But it wasn't my fault. Okay, it was my fault. (Holds up his hand) Look, I'm hurt!
Berg: Another teeny-tiny thing...
Pete: Don't want to know, don't need to know, it's in the past and there it will stay, as I long as I never, ever have to be reminded of it again!
Pete: This is unbelieveable! Berg, you've actually managed to go back in time and ruin my life!
Berg: Come on! She's slept with other guys, too!
Sharon: There's the silver lining!
Berg: There is one teeny-tiny thing that would bother a jerk like me, but not a well-adjusted guy like yourself...
Pete: Okay, if you're going to start picking her apart, don't even bother, okay? (Leaves, comes back in) Hey, what teeny-tiny thing would bother a jerk like you?
Berg: This is really hard for me, but a few years ago, I went out... without sunblock, and I regret it to this day!
Pete: That's tough, man. See ya!
Sharon: Berg, you need to tell him.
Berg: You give me one reason why I should tell him. Besides he's my best friend and it's the right thing to do.
Sharon: Did you talk to Nicole?
Berg: Yes, and she refuses to get rid of the tattoo. She wants to be completely honest with Pete about her past. (Snorts) Like that's healthy!
Sharon: I think some women from that gym are here.
Berg: If only they were naked and wet, you could be sure.
Nicole: That tattoo is a reminder for me to never sink that low again.
Berg: (Bewildered) Well, glad I could help.
Berg: Did Pete ever mention his roommate?
Nicole: Oh, God. Tell me you don't work in a pizza place.
Berg: No, I'm a med student... who works in a pizza place.
Nicole: Oh, God. Does Pete know?
Berg: No, and Pete doesn't need to know. So whats say we jump in a cab and go Dutch on some laser surgery!
Berg: I know, Ashley told me. She is not happy with me.
Sharon: Well, tell her to get in line!
Berg: That would be Nicole. She's also just a friend.
Ashley: What, do you brand them to keep track?
Berg: No no, you see, the reason is...
Ashley: There is nothing you can say, Berg. You're hopeless! (Leaves)
Berg: Call me!
Ashley: You know it's funny, I was just thinking about you.
Ashley: Yeah. I was in the locker room, gettind dressed, and as I bent down to tie my shoe, you just popped into my head.
Berg: (Sweetly): Really.
Ashley: Yeah. Well, your name was tattooed on some woman's butt.
Berg: (Angirly) Really.
Sharon: Look, it's been three years. Maybe she's had the tattoo removed.
Berg: Maybe. But our friendship is too important to rely on maybes. I love that guy. So I gotta get a good look at his girlfriend's ass.
Pete: What a GREAT day to be me! (Leaves)
Sharon: (To Berg) And just the WORST day to be you!
Berg: This isn't fair. It wasn't even my idea. We're stumbling by a tattoo parlor, I needed to use the bathroom, restroom sign said customers only, she volunteered!
Sharon: You kids really had something special.
Sharon: Look at the bright side. When people are telling 'small world' stories, you'll have the best one!
Berg: You are not helping!
Sharon: Not trying to!
Sharon: Come on, Berg. If you can't remember her, maybe she won't remember you.
Sharon: Look, it was one night a long time ago. Pete doesn't have to know.
Berg: It might be kind of hard to keep from him.
Sharon: What do you mean?
Berg: How about... my name is tattooed on her ass!
Berg: Wait wait wait, she looks familiar. Where do I know her from? (Realizes) Oh, God. I think I found a flaw.
Sharon: What flaw?
Berg: Me, okay? we had a thing a few years ago.
Sharon: What kind of thing?
Berg: We met at a party, then had wild sex in the middle of the night on a jungle gym.
Sharon: Wow. And I find carpets uncomfortable.
Pete: Look, I like this girl. I care about this girl. We talk on the phone for hours, we take long walks, we play scrabble...
Sharon: Ehhh! Things you do when you're not sleeping with someone!
Berg: Ding ding ding ding!
Sharon: (Pointing to an older woman) Oh Pete, is that her?
Berg: Oh Pete, way to go! A little Angela Lansbury action!
Sharon: Hey, just because she's older doesn't make her flawed. WHOA! Look at the size of those feet!
Pete: She's meeting me after work.
Sharon: Oh, right! She works at the, uh...
Berg: The, uh...
Pete: The, uh... go away!
Pete: What are you guys doing here?
Berg: Waiting for you. Your appointment book said 7:30. We're busy people, you know!
Sharon: Come on, Pete! We want to meet her!
Berg: Come on! I'll tell you a secret of Sharon's! (Sharon hits him) Ow!
Berg: Oh, right! The girl you met at the, uh...
Sharon: Yeah, the girl at the, uh...
Pete: Come on guys, stop. I haven't been to the 'the, uhh...' in years.
Berg: Excuse me, what do mean by "people like him"?
Ashley: Oh you're right, I'm sorry, I shouldn't stereotype. I was being unfair to perverts everywhere! (Leaves)
Berg: Apology accepted!
Sharon: Like they don't wash your lip prints off that window on a daily basis!
Berg: Cause I'm trying to find you, all the way in the third row!
Berg: That is what sickens me about health clubs today. Fitness should be about getting into shape, not about forcing women to be in some peep show! (To Ashley) Here's your check, Poodles!
Berg: Come on, I want to meet your new girlfriend.
Pete: Go away!
Berg: You know, it is my right to meet the women you date! After all, I raised you!
Pete: Well, that really upsets you then, doesn't it?
Berg: Yeah, it does.
Pete: I can't tell you how happy this makes me!
Berg: (to Pete) I introduce you to the girls I date, I introduced you to Ashley.
Ashley: We don't date, and we won't date.
Berg: Look what you've done! You upset my girlfriend.
Pete: When did you two start going out? Oh, yes, that's right I remember. Never.
Sharon: You know what Berg? I think Pete is making up this girl so that we don't feel sorry for him.
Berg: You know what Sharon? That is so sad.
Sharon: So sad.
Pete: Yes, it is sad. This from the woman in the third row and the man with a girlfriend that hates him.
Berg: Pete is right. I do ruin all of his relationships. And this one I ruined three years in advance.
Sharon: Which is actually pretty good for such a procrastinator.
Pete: (to Berg) I don't need your stamp of approval.
Sharon: Too late.
Berg: Ashley, what are you doing here?
Ashley: Well, it's a women's gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties.
Sharon: I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them.
Pete: You didn't make the window again, huh?
Sharon: No, third row.
Sharon: What happened to your hand?
Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
Sharon: That's the best you could come up with?
Berg: It's better than 'I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.'
Pete: You know you should have told me.
Berg: Well, I was afraid you'd disown me.
Pete: I should have disowned you when you set me up with that psycho from the personals. I should have disowned you when you submitted me for that transvestite segment on Sally Jesse.
Berg: Well, that would have been a free trip to New York.
Berg: What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, "Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?"
Berg: A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party.
Pete: Don't tell me you slept with her.
Berg: Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story.
Nicole: Forget it. I'm not going to have it removed.
Berg: Alright so keep 'Berg'. But how about writing the word 'ice' in front of it?
Nicole: I'm not touching it.
Berg: 'Whoopi Gold'?
Sharon: You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf.
Berg: Holy incompatability, Batman.
Berg: What is wrong with you?
Sharon: I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em!
Pete: Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life.
Berg: He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on.
Berg: "I wanted to be the best man at his wedding. I wanted to be Uncle Berg to his kids. He'd say 'no soda' And I'd give them soda. Now no one gets soda."
Pete: "You guys need a hobby."
Berg: "We have one. You. You're non-toxic, fun for all ages and come completely assembled."
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