Two of a Kind

Season 1 Episode 7

The Heartbreak Kid

Aired Unknown Nov 06, 1998 on ABC
out of 10
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Episode Summary

The Heartbreak Kid
Mary-Kate wants to have a pet, but she's had bad experience with animals in the past, which makes Kevin a bit worried. So Carrie and Mary-Kate go and buy a homing pigeon thinking this pet will actually stay alive this time. Meanwhile, Ashley is heartbroken when she finds out her crush, Taylor, has a girlfriend.moreless

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  • I love this episode.

    Mary-Kate wants a pet and so she tells her dad if she can have one, but her dad wasn`t sure about letting Mary-Kate have one since she has never had any luck with animals when Mary-Kate promises she will take good care of it and so Kevin lets her and Carrie goes with Mary-Kate to pick one out.Soon Ashley has a crush on Taylor Mary-Kate`s tutor and does anything to get his attention when Taylor`s girlfriend Megan walks in through the door and Ashley becomes heartbroken.Meanwhile Kevin has a problem when he made the sander have a problem when Eddie realizes Kevin let the bag get to full.when meanwhile Mary-Kate releases her pigeon too early and it never comes home and Carrie buys a pigeon just like it and names it Harriet.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

    • When Ashley is baking cookies, Carrie says that Taylor might enjoy them. Ashley asks why she would care about Taylor, and Carrie answers: "Maybe because you've had a crush on him since the first time he walked through the door." But Carrie wasn't there when Ashley met Taylor (Episode 2: "The Tutor").

  • QUOTES (23)

    • Kevin: Look, you have to understand that when you were younger and you had a problem, I came galloping in on my white horse. I saved the day. The townspeople cheered, and weather permitting, I got a parade! Now that you're older, I'm not always so sure what my role is.
      Ashley: But why didn't you ask me about Taylor before you fired him?
      Kevin: You're right. I'm sorry. Maybe I should have, but I wish you wouldn't have shut me out the other day when I tried to ask you what was wrong.
      Ashley: Do I have to tell you everything?
      Kevin: No, of course not, but if you don't let me in a little bit, I won't know whether I should come to your rescue or just stay back and let you fight your battles alone.

    • Ashley: (baking cookies) These are for Mary-Kate. Her tutoring sessions can be very taxing.
      Carrie: Well, I guess that Taylor might enjoy them, also.
      Ashley: (embarrassed) Why would I care about Taylor?
      Carrie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe just because you have had a crush on him ever since the first time he walked in the door!
      Ashley: You don't think he knows, do you?!?!
      Carrie: Of course not. He's a man.

    • Kevin: (about Mary-Kate getting a pet) Carrie, this is not a good idea.
      Carrie: Why? What's the problem? She promised she'd take care of it.
      Kevin: Haha. If I had a dead pet for every time I heard that.....oh wait, I do. Fluffy, Corky, Bijou, Snowball, Slither, Bob, and those were just the mammals!

    • Kevin: Well, I found out your situation with Taylor, so to make things easier on you, I hired Mary-Kate a new tutor.
      Ashley: You fired Taylor?!?!? How could you do that to me?
      Kevin: What are you talking about? I thought you'd be relieved. I figured if he didn't come to the house, it would help you get over him.
      Ashley: But I don't want to get over him! I can't believe Carrie told you!
      Kevin: She didn't. I found all your Taylor things in the trash.
      Ashley: You went through my trash?!?!?
      Kevin: No, no, of course not.....Eddie went through your trash.
      Ashley: Eddie knows too?!?!? What do I need, a shredder?
      Kevin: Ashley, I know you're angry with me, but eventually, I think you'll see that what I did was for the best.
      Ashley: Well, if you want what's best for me, do me a favor and stay out of my personal life!

    • Carrie: Will you stop that? Mary-Kate's string of dead animals is ending with twelve.
      Kevin: She only lost eleven.
      Carrie: Well, we hit an opossum on the way home.

    • Carrie: This is a homing pigeon. It's a full-proof pet. It flies away, it comes back.
      Mary-Kate: And the best part is, it's too big to get sucked into the vacuum cleaner!

    • Kevin: Maybe I was wrong to fire Taylor.
      Ashley: Gee, you think?
      Kevin: I miss talking to you, but not that much.

    • Carrie: Mary-Kate, come out here. Harriet's back. Come look. (To pigeon) Now, look alive. And remember, if anybody asks, your name is Harriet.
      Mary-Kate: Oh, my God! I knew she'd come back! I'm not a pet killer. Welcome home, Harriet.
      Carrie: Now, don't be surprised if she looks a little different, because has been through an awful lot.
      Mary-Kate: You're right. Look at her nail polish, it's all chipped.
      Carrie: Nail polish? What nail polish?
      Mary-Kate: Ashley gave her a pedicure before she flew off.
      Carrie: The old bird had the same polish?
      Mary-Kate: What do you mean "old bird"?
      Carrie: Oh. As in the classic expression, "you old bird." Like, you know... "How you doing, you old bird?" Or "don't work too hard, you old bird." You're not buying any of this, are you?
      Mary-Kate: Not at all, you old bird.

    • Kevin: I stopped by the hardware store. I picked up those antique hinges Ashley wanted for her trunk.
      Carrie: They look like they cost more than the trunk.
      Kevin: The sales tax was more than that trunk.

    • Eddie: Hey, kid. Still no bird?
      Mary-Kate: Not yet.
      Eddie: Well, maybe you should check the park. I saw about a hundred of 'em using Lincoln's statue for target practice.
      Mary-Kate: Thanks, but I think Harriet's gone for good. Dad's right. I should never be allowed to have animals. I'm a jinx.
      Eddie: Hey, don't say that. Trust me, I got a sixth sense about these things. That bird is coming back. (Enters house) That bird is toast.
      Carrie: Don't say that.
      Eddie: Trust me, I got a sixth sense about these things. Poor kid.
      Carrie: I am not giving up hope. In fact, I predict that by tonight there will be a bird in that cage.
      Eddie: How can you be so sure?
      Carrie: Because I'm gonna go back and buy another pigeon and tell her it's Harriet. But don't tell anybody.
      Eddie: Oh, lying to a child, so you're not Mary Poppins.
      Carrie: Well, I have to do something. I mean, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have let her release it so early. It wasn't ready. I can't believe the bird just flew away!
      Eddie: Yeah, birds flying. Go figure.

    • (About Eddie's sander)
      Kevin: I'm sorry. It just stopped. I don't know what happened.
      Eddie: You let the bag get too full. Now the intake's all clogged. I can barely get the clamp off. (Takes clamp off)
      Kevin: Maybe now it'll work. (Turns sander on, sand blows in Eddie's face)

    • Kevin: Hey, something's going on with Ashley. She seems unhappy, you know what it's about?
      Carrie: Um, well... maybe.
      Kevin: Is that a maybe like a yes?
      Carrie: Well, it's more like a maybe like a yes, but-I-can't-tell-you-so-don't-push-me kind of maybe.
      Kevin: Carrie, if there's something going on with my daughter, I'd like to know.
      Carrie: Professor, we agreed when I started this job that if the girls confided something in me I thought you should know, I would tell you. Otherwise, I am not going to be your spy.
      Kevin: But I'm the dad!
      Carrie: Look, the problem is not health related, it has nothing to do with school, no body parts have been pierced. Other than that, she's gonna be fine in a couple of days. Trust me.
      Kevin: Trust you? Last time I did that, you brought home this stupid pigeon.

    • Mary-Kate: Dad! Dad!
      Kevin: Hey, Mary-Kate.
      Mary-Kate: Check it out. The newest addition to our household.
      Kevin: What a lovely... pigeon.
      Mary-Kate: I named her Harriet.
      Kevin: You did not pay for that. I've got at least three of them staking out my car as we speak.
      Carrie: Not like this one. This is a homing pigeon. It's a foolproof pet. It flies away, it comes back.
      Mary-Kate: And the best part is it's too big to get sucked into the vacuum cleaner. Where's Ashley?
      Kevin: She's in the living room.
      (Mary-Kate leaves)
      Kevin: Well, Harriet, would you like to be buried in the shade or the sun?
      Carrie: Will you stop that? Mary-Kate's string of dead animals is ending with twelve.
      Kevin: She only lost eleven.
      Carrie: Well, we hit a possum on the way home.

    • Mary-Kate: (At Lenny's pet shop, about a bird) I like this one, Carrie.
      Lenny: Keep in mind it sings, too.
      Carrie: Yeah. Well, for that price, I could get Mariah Carey.
      Lenny: Well, if you're on a budget, how 'bout that little lady over there?
      Carrie: Oh, a pigeon.
      Lenny: A homing pigeon. They're friendly and loyal.
      Carrie: Are they strong and resilient? Because she's had a hard time keeping pets, um, what's the word?
      Mary-Kate: Alive.
      Lenny: Are you kidding? They're virtually indestructible. The pigeon is the humvee of the bird world. And when they fly away, they always come home when they're hungry, much like my 31 year-old son.
      Mary-Kate: Let's get her, Carrie.
      Carrie: Oh, I don't know. Wouldn't we have to train her?
      Lenny: You see that perch she's sitting on? Put it in her new cage. Feed her a couple of times, and in a day or two, set her free. She'll take off, cruise the neighborhood, and be back in time for dinner. Much like my wife.

    • Kevin: Ashley and I had the best time last night cleaning this baby up. Yeah, we were laughing and talking. It's amazing how much a kid will open up when you're working on a project.
      Eddie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids say the darndest things. Now, listen... you sure you used one of these before?
      Kevin: Oh, please, it's a sander. On, it sands. Off, it doesn't. Now, where do I put in the sand?
      Eddie: Don't toy with me.
      Kevin: Sorry, Eddie, I really appreciate this. I know you don't like lending out your tools.
      Eddie: Hey, you're my best friend. That's why I waived the security deposit. Now, uh, remember, she's a delicate instrument. So, uh, treat her like a lady.
      Kevin: Eddie?
      Eddie: Yeah?
      Kevin: You really need to get a girlfriend.
      Eddie: Tell me about it.

    • Ashley: (About Taylor) Feels like he ripped out my heart and put it in a blender.
      Mary-Kate: Gross.
      Carrie: Well, unfortunately, that feeling might not go away for a while. But I promise you it will go away.
      Ashley: What will I do 'til then?
      Carrie: Well, try to keep busy and focus on the good things in your life, and then, when enough time has passed, you dump a truck load of gravel in his driveway.
      Ashley: I don't think that'll make me feel any better.
      Mary-Kate: How 'bout manure?

    • Ashley: (About her cookies) Uh-uh-uh. These are for Mary-Kate. Her tutoring sessions can be very taxing.
      Carrie: Well, I guess that Taylor might enjoy them also.
      Ashley: Why would I care about Taylor?
      Carrie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe just because you have had a crush on him ever since the first time he walked in the door.
      Ashley: You don't think he knows, do you?
      Carrie: Of course not, he's a man.

    • Carrie: Well, don't worry. I promise this pet will survive. I'm great with animals. I once had a cat until it was nine.
      Kevin: That's not very old for a cat.
      Carrie: Oh. Well, I helped raise my little brother, and he's still alive.

    • Kevin: Carrie, this is not a good idea.
      Carrie: Why, what's the problem? She said she'd take care of it.
      Kevin: Ha, ha. If I had a dead pet for every time I heard that. Oh, wait. I do.

    • Carrie: Look at the bird cage Mary-Kate picked up.
      Kevin: Oh, no.
      Mary-Kate: Dad, I know what you're thinking. I haven't had the best luck with animals.
      Kevin: Sweetheart, let's be honest. You haven't had any luck with animals.

    • Ashley: Carrie took us to the flea market. Isn't this a beautiful trunk?
      Kevin: Hey. Whoa. Well, some assembly required.
      Ashley: Well, I was thinking maybe we could fix it up together. You know, sort of a father-daughter project.
      Kevin: Hey, I could be the father. All right. Let's get started.
      Ashley: Cool. I'm gonna go put on something grubby. Mary-Kate, I'm borrowing one of your shirts.
      Mary-Kate: No problem. I already borrowed one of yours.

    • Kevin: (Looking at the antiques) What's all this? Carrie, you didn't get evicted, did you?
      Carrie: Oh, no, my things aren't this nice.

    • Ashley: I'm so excited. My first antique!
      Carrie: My first antique was this great, old rocking chair. I remember I cleaned it up and sold it for twice what I paid.
      Mary-Kate: You mean someday Ashley's trunk could be worth 8 bucks? Ooh, dare to dream.

  • NOTES (1)


    • The Heartbreak Kid is the exact same title that was used for a Season 6 episode of Mary-Kate and Ashley's previous sitcom, Full House. That episode focused on the Olsens' 6-year-old character Michelle, who longed to marry her teenage sister's boyfriend Steve.