Call me crazy, call me stupid, call me insane, or call me Junior Rennie, but what I am about to say will explode your head like Norrie learning Melanie Dome's backstory.
This episode of Under the Dome was actually pretty good!
True, it made no sense 90 percent of the time, but it did deliver answers to some of the Dome's greatest mysteries, and face it, if you're still watching this show, it's because you're like WTFDOME? And yes, these answers may've been pulled from a chicken's ass, but they're now officially part of Under the Dome's legacy, so let's all update the show's Wiki page in permanent marker because they are 100 percent truth if we're to believe the ramblings and flashbacks of a comely zombie time-traveler who hatched from an egg at the bottom of a lake.
Some of you might be reading this without having watched the episode, and all I can say to you is, hold onto your pants because the revelations—HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE EPISODE TITLE—of "Revelations" will blow your Jordaches clear off your butt and out the window and into a puddle of muck on the side of the road where a hobo will pick them up and wear them while it train hops across the Midwest. Prepare to get DOMED.
The episode began like all great episodes should, with Rebecca the Science Teacher thirsting for the blood of useless resource hogs. You may think that she's super liberal because of her scientific background, but she's as Republican as they get when it comes to citizens freeloading off the juicy teat of government stockpiles. This is actual unedited dialogue from the opening scene, and the reason Rebecca the Science Teacher is my favorite character on any television show in the last 2,000 years.
Rebecca the Science Teacher: "Good morning!"
Big Jim: "I'm not sure how good it is."
Rebecca the Science Teacher: "It is if you are using the census to address our population problem."
She could NOT wait to start killing people, and as Big Jim looked through the files of the official Chester's Mill census (complete with photo-booth pics of citizens because of course everyone made time to go to Walgreens to get their passport photos taken), Rebecca had questions. Questions like, What good is a stupid baby?
REVELATION #1: Rebecca the Science Teacher gives no Fs about Dome Babies or single moms.
Let's also take a quick look at Joe's census file while we're here so that we can get some backstory on our hero.
I'm not sure if you can read his skills section, but it says, "math, chemistry, physics, computers, electronics, astronomy, cartography, and animal husbandry."
REVELATION #2: Joe is a scientific mastermind!!!
Science, eh Joe? This is the same guy who's said countless times that "Maybe the Dome is trying to tell us something!" and that butterflies are anointing royalty by landing on people. Joe is also skilled at animal husbandry, apparently. Was animal husbandry what he was doing that time he tried to catch chickens but ended up just falling down? Also, he was born the day after 9/11, so get to work on your conspiracy theories!
Anyway, Rebecca the Science Teacher stole a key card from Jim while Jim was contemplating whether or not this potential slaughter was the latest test to be presented by a giant bubble. Big Jim is totally lame now. Remember when he tried to hang himself because the ghost of Officer Linda told him to? Old Big Jim would have kicked that ghost's butt.
Big Jim's balls must've somehow been grafted into Rebecca the Science Teacher, because this lady was all business! She visited a farmer who was having trouble with his bacon animals, and used her experience as a science teacher to confirm that the farmer's piglet wasn't sleeping really, really, really hard but was, in fact, dead. Obviously when pigs are dead it means swine flu, so Rebecca the Science Teacher syringed out some pig's blood and used Big Jim's keycard to access a mysterious laboratory that Big Jim for some reason had a keycard for.
REVELATION #3: There is a high-tech lab in small-town Chester's Mill for some reason!
In the lab, Rebecca the Science Teacher made egg bombs filled with a virus because her plan was to use the virus to infect the town with swine flu so that a quarter of the town would die, leaving all the unseen food resources for the survivors. I don't know why she injected eggs with pig's blood and all of a sudden had a supervirus on her hands, but I'll just go ahead and trust that the science advisers who Under the Dome met and hired in the parking lot of a Home Depot knew what they were talking about. It was a pretty good plan for a homocidal maniac whose typical lesson plans involve making clocks out of potatoes. It was also a plan that totally ditched her original plan of selecting the weak and exterminating them, which was kind of the entire point of the census but NOOOOOOO let's abandon that whole storyline in favor of virus-bombing the entire town and letting nature choose the people who aren't Dome-worthy. It made zero sense, so of course Big Jim went along with it, using the airtight logic of "Maybe the Dome wanted this to happen." Big Jim is so out-of-whack and Dome-tarded that he could get beat up by the Seattle Seahawks defense and he would think to himself, "Maybe the Dome wanted this to happen."
Meanwhile, Julia and Sam were hot on the trail of Rebecca the Science Teacher's nefarious plan and even hotter on the trail of having sex with each other. They quickly discovered that Rebecca the Science Teacher was going to turn Chester's Mill into a giant petri dish of pig sick because they broke into her house and saw all the evidence: muddy shoes, pig anatomy books, lab equipment, and an incriminating personal calendar.
Jim gathered everyone up at the diner and was going to unleash influenza fury on everyone, but first Officer DJ Phil had an important update: He'd apprehended the vandals who were defacing the bridge. PHEW! He seriously said that. Someone in the writers' room at Under the Dome thought it would be a good idea to make a special note that some people tagging "the bridge" were now locked up and out of harm's way. Keep it up, Officer DJ Phil, you are keeping Chester's Mill safe while everyone else worries about this harmless Dome situation. The bridge taggers are behind bars now, and that's all that matters.
REVELATION #4: If you deface a bridge in Chester's Mill, even when there's a massive dome overhead that requires the attention of the police force, Officer DJ Phil will find you and catch you.
Wait, I'm not done with this. Officer DJ Phil interrupted the scene to say, and this is verbatim, "I caught those vandals that were defacing the bridge." And that's it!?!? WHY!? I can only assume that Officer DJ Phil's agent negotiated a great contract for him that says he must get at least one line of dialogue per episode of Under the Dome, and that his five-year-old son gets to write it.
Anywho, on with the terrorist plot to spread swine flu in Chester's Mill to randomly kill a quarter of the population so the mysterious food rations will last (it sounds like an especially bad plan when you say it all at once). Just as Big Jim was about to drop some pig sick into a water jug, Julia and Sam showed up to save the day! Big Jim played that "Who you gonna believe?" card before the crowd, and implied that Julia was the town slut, so point to Big Jim. However, if sleeping with the mysterious stranger who killed your husband before you even know whether your husband is dead makes someone a slut, then aren't we all town sluts? Back to the thrilling story: When Julia examined Big Jim's virus container, it was empty!
Rebecca the Science Teacher changed the plan AGAIN and was going to infect the church's holy water basin with some swine flu, which would've really showed those dumb churchgoers that science rules. But then she changed her mind after theorizing something about the virus mutating? It's like she read the first page of each chapter of a science textbook and then declared herself the Queen of Science, but I'm beginning to think she's not as good at sciencing as she thinks she is. As far as I can tell, the takeaway is that the day was saved because the virus became even stronger and killed more pigs. Then Julia and Sam threw Rebecca the Science Teacher and Big Jim in jail because anyone can throw people in jail in this town, seeing as how the cops are too busy collecting their dead mom's journals and catching bridge defacers.
I know you're thinking HOLY GUACAMOLE that was an awesome episode of Under the Dome but that was only half of it. Remember what I said about your pants? They're still on, right? Well cinch that belt two holes tighter because things are about to get revelatory!
While all that amazing virus suspense was going on, Joe, Norrie, Dome Girl, and Barbie were cracking the mystery of Dome Girl's identity. Joe theorized it was aliens and asked Dome Girl if she had any probe marks, which is about as good a pickup line as you'll hear under the Dome. In response, Norrie whipped out this zinger:
Normally I like to write the captions in these reviews, but Norrie's actual dialogue was better than anything I could've ever come up with, so I'll leave it be. Barbie got mixed up with these knuckleheads, who told them about the internet signal they found last episode. So they went searching for the wi-fi near Dome Girl's old locker, and then they showed him the yearbook with Dome Girl's picture in it from the 1980s. This was all info we already knew, so it was like we were all watching Barbie watch last week's episode, which was unjust and unfair torture.
With the wiifi signal dead (stupid Comcast), the kids were forced to use old-people technology to get information and headed straight for the microfiche! They found out that Dome Girl had vanished without a trace! Then they went to Dome Girl's old house to jar her memory about what'd happened and it set off a chain reaction of revelations!
REVELATION #5: Dome Girl, Lyle the Barber, Sam the Drunk, and Mama Rennie were the ORIGINAL FOUR when they were teens and they somehow had access to LED flashlight technology before it was even invented!
REVELATION #6: The mini-egg was inside a meteorite that'd crashed to the ground and Dome Girl was stupid enough to pick it up without fear despite the fact that it had just come out of a hot rock from outer space.
REVELATION #7: Dome Girl was killed in the 1980s when someone pushed into the meteor hole and she bonked her head on the space rock! Was it Lyle? Was it Sam?
Okay so maybe those revelations aren't that great, sorry I got you all worked up, but at least you're still wearing pants. Plus, SPACE! THE DOME IS FROM SPACE! Aliens (Joe was right) sent the Dome to Chester's Mill to protect Norrie from all the bad decisions she would've made if she'd ever gotten to Los Angeles. By this time, she would've been addicted to crack and on her third pregnancy. But now that she's locked in a bubble with Joe, who has ZERO game, she'll stay a virgin. That's my theory!
BUT WAIT there was one more revelation in "Revelations!" At the end of the episode, Sam and Julia walked back to her place to "put the census to good use" (lousy flirty talk, if you ask me), and Sam made a move on Julia. But Julia, who was probably still trying to recover from the slut-shaming she received from Big Jim at the diner, negged Sam as he leaned in for a kiss. Oops! Julia didn't want to make it weird and gave him a pat on the shoulder, and when she turned around, Sam winced because the claw marks that Angie had left on her assailant were on HIS shoulder!
REVELATION #8: Sam killed Angie!!!
Total mind-explosion if you don't count the fact that we all predicted it right when Angie was murdered. But my question is, how was Sam going to have sex with Julia when all that evidence is right there on his shoulder? These are things to think about, Sam.
That's what happened in "Revelations," and it was pretty amazing. If this episode didn't reenergize your interest in Under the Dome then relax, you are perfectly normal. And I wouldn't blame you for leaving the show now that we know the Dome is from space. As for me, I'm sticking around because I really want to know how Barbie and Julia will recover from this bump in their relationship. Maybe if Barbie kills Julia's mother it will show her that he REALLY loves her.
– HELLO?!?!?!? Where is Ben the Stoner?
– Junior and Lyle ran around looking for Mama Rennie's journal, because Mama Rennie is some weirdo psychic? She sent a bunch of postcards to Lyle that predicted events under the Dome through the crayon drawings of a six-year old.
– You know what this show needs? A dog.