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CBS (ended 2013)

We Are Men S01E01: "Pilot"

Face it: Men have an easier go of things in the world. Not that we deserve it, goodness no. Over the course of thousands of centuries, life has just shifted in our favor for whatever reason, and we're rarely pressured to be married, we're often high-fived for having multiple sexual partners, we earn more than women who perform the same jobs equally or better, and we can drink a glass of water as a substitute for a shower. It's totally unfair, and you won't find many men complaining that they are men. 

But you know what? I'm horrified to be a man after suffering through the pilot of We Are Men. The new CBS comedy is a heartless dude-fest where the men have few responsibilities beyond trying to get their willies wet, and the women are mannequins for the men to undress with their eyes and definitely not marry. And on behalf of all men everywhere, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I feel like I'm apologizing for the bad behavior of my drunk friend at a party, but... sorry!

We Are Men follows a penised quartet of total losers (in my opinion). All four guys are in various states of relationship disarray and living in a short-term housing complex near Hollywood. Our lead is fresh-faced Carter (Chris Smith), a youngish man who was recently dumped at the altar by his fiancee when an old boyfriend scooped her away mid-ceremony. Frank Russo (Monk's Tony Shalhoub as the anti-Adrian Monk) is a horny four-time divorcé with a fetish for Asian women and it's totally depressing. Gil (Kal Penn) cheated on his wife but wants her back; he's the semi-remorseful member of the group. And Stuart (Jerry O'Connell) is a twice-divorced gynecologist—of course he is—who can't seem to separate a certain aspect of his work from his regular life. The guys spend most of their days lounging around the pool in their complex (which is always awfully lively for a weekday afternoon), and many nights simmering in the complex's hot tub. You know, being dudes.

But in the pilot, they were always talking about women. How they wanted to bang 'em, how men don't need 'em, how their old flames held them back from being the free, swingin' dudes that they are now. The premise got old very fast, and with no clear reason for why the show took this angle beyond the men's frequent war cry of "Because it's awesome!" (things that are awesome to these "men" include eating fast-food burgers, playing basketball on 7-foot hoops, and drunk driving), We Are Men's premiere was basically the collected ramblings of a weekend warrior date rapist. Again, I am so, so sorry.

Apparently the ongoing premise for the series is that the three older dudes will show Carter how to get back on his horse by riding some new fillies. They spent the pilot going to bars, locating the closest person with a pair of lady-breasts, and shoving Carter in her direction while they kept their eyes out for women with lower self-esteem. And when they inevitably failed to pull any skirt, the group would engage in very guy-ish activities, like breaking into a Catholic school or running around shirtless because it was awesome.

There was one small glimmer of emotion and maturity, when Carter got back together with his fiancee and they agreed to get married again, but that was squashed as quickly as it was unbelievably thrown together. Moments after declaring, "I knew I wasn't like those other guys," Carter realized he was just like the other guys, and because his fiancee didn't want him to coach basketball or watch basketball or even look at a basketball, he decided to bail on her and all those trips to the farmer's market she made him take. Because farmers' markets are for pussies, according to We Are Men. And so the show backflipped away from any sense of moral obligation because dudes need to be dudes. (Ugh, so, so sorry.)

And not just any dudes. Sad, lonely dudes who spend more time half-naked with each other than they spend with women. Is it telling that all the guys struck out at every opportunity? Yup. Had We Are Men embraced these morons as lovable idiots with no chance of getting laid, the concept could have worked. Instead, We Are Men wants us to clink our Coors Lights against the screen whenever these doofuses lower their shades to ogle some bikini-clad babe's butt and celebrate the tidal wave of vaginas supposedly coming their way. They're unapologetic for their douchiness. I am not. Sorry, bro.


– Hey man, that one chick was totally cool, though! Frank's daughter! Yeah, she's cool because she likes basketball, man. Not like those other chicks who won't let us play video games. I'm totally gonna hit that.

– Congratulations on having a really strong fall season so far, Asian women.

– I do love this cast. 

– How are you CBS faithful dealing with the single-camera comedy format? Are you missing the laugh track?

We Are Men's pilot was not funny. However, I did laugh one time: when Gil said he would take care of his nose bleed by jumping into the pool.

– If you like shows about men trying to pick up women, try HBO's new Hello Ladies, which debuted last night. You can watch it for free right here!

– Once again, I'm sorry!

Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 10/21/2013

Season 1 : Episode 4

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