Weeds Season 1 Episode 6

Celia: Who's the hottie?
Nancy: My carpenter, Conrad. Conrad, this is Celia.
Celia: Hello, carpenter. Do you want to see something?
(Celia begins to lower her shirt revealing her tattoo)
Nancy: Celia, you have to stop flashing your boobs to the world.
Conrad: Oh, speak when spoken to!

(In Spanish)
Serena: He says your Mrs. sells weed.
Lupita: Your cousin is crazy.
Serena: How does she pay for all this?
Lupita: Simple, she's a skinny white lady in America.

Celia: Is it true what they say, that once a white woman's been with a carpenter, she never goes back?
Conrad: Baby, when I nail something, it stays nailed.

Girl: What are we playing?
Shane: Terrorist.
Girl: I'm hungry.
Shane: You can eat once your oppressionist government releases our prisoners.
Girl: Do you guys have fruit rollups?
Shane: Silence! You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country, or else.
Girl: You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin.
Shane: Don't say my name, infidel!

Conrad: Why the hell would you bring it home?
Nancy: 'Cause that's where I keep it.
Conrad: You only bring home the weed that you know you gonna be moving really quick, right? Oh! You lucky you got them pretty eyes and that sweet badunkadunk.
Nancy: What?
Conrad: The booty's nice.
Nancy: Thank you.
(Later that night)
Tusk: You got a nice badunkadunk.
Nancy: Ever happened to you: You live your whole life without hearing an expression and then you hear it twice in one day?

(In Spanish)
Serena: Why does she see Mr. Doug so often? And why does Mr. Doug always smoke weed after?
Lupita: Maybe she's fucking Mr. Doug.
Serena: Nobody fucks Mr. Doug.
Lupita: What a loser.

Andy: So now you're selling weed and turning tricks.
Nancy: Girl's gotta support two kids and a brother-in-law.
Andy: Not after we turn that bakery into a gold mine.
Nancy: Just like the Jesus t-shirts and the ostrich farm, huh?
Andy: Yeah, you're right. Much better to be a pot dealer.

Silas: (Signs "I love you")
Megan: You fucking better.

Shane: What are you looking for? Are you stealing from us?
Lupita: (Sarcastically) Yes. My family needs this menorah.
Shane: Mom said you once stole one of her rings.
Lupita: What?!
Shane: But then she found it.

Andy: If Marijuana Anonymous teaches us anything, smoking dope might be a lot of fun right now; soon you're gonna learn it teaches you to live in a privately defined world, a world that gets smaller and smaller as you box yourself in and narrow your options until you're left with absolutely nothing.
(Takes a hit of marijuana)

Andy: Is this what you wanna be? A couple of fucking teenage burnouts? Oh! I'm 16! I have zits! Life's so tough! Oh! I'm deaf! I can't hear! Life's so unfair!

Lupita: (Hands Nancy the pillowcase she found containing marijuana) I want a raise.

Nancy: You just called me a dealer.
Doug: You are a dealer.
Nancy: Shhh... we're in my house. I'm not a dealer. I'm a mother.. who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.

Nancy: What am I doing?
Tusk: You're doing what all of us are doing. You're getting by.