Weeds Season 2 Episode 7

Celia: Hello?
Doug: I'll keep my concession speech short: Fuck you!
Celia: Oh, that's brilliant. Apparently my husband is also your speech writer.
Doug: No, I came up with that one all by myself. I even have it memorized. Do you wanna hear it again? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Doug: (Campaigning against Celia) Vote for Doug Wilson, the write-in candidate. Change just brings problems, you know it's true. Doug Wilson. Who's your pal? Don't you just hate Celia Hodes? Celia Hodes has chlamydiae!

Debate Moderator: In keeping with the spirit of tomorrow's local elections, tonight's topic will be electoral college versus popular vote. Advocating the popular vote, Master Shane Botwin.
Shane: My argument for the popular vote: George W. Bush.

Nancy: (Referring to Andy) When's he gonna be able to go home?
Dr. Bertner: He have insurance?
Nancy: Oh, no.
Dr. Bertner: He can go home now.

Doug: (Talking in a baby voice to the dog) It's okay Mr. Sweaters. Yeah, who's our tough little watch dog? You are. Yes you are.
("Mr. Sweaters" bites down on Andy's foot)
Andy: Ow! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh, f- get it off me!
Doug: No, Mr. Sweaters, off, off!

Silas: All women are evil lying bitches, but I'm trying to be the good big brother here, so when she kicks the shit outta your heart, I'll buy you a beer with my fake I.D.

Conrad: (about Andy's accident) A dog ate two of his toes before Sanjay stuck a finger up his ass.

Andy (comes in with burgers): Now, I thought your people didn't eat cows.
Sanjay: And I thought yours didn't eat cheeseburgers.