Weeds Season 5 Episode 5

Nancy: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...Andy. It isn't safe here anymore - it's all wrong. You know Celia's living in the garage.
Andy: Yes, we had a nice long conversation about what happens when flesh its acid.
Nancy: Ah, why is fucking Armageddon always coming down on me?
Andy: You do it. You do know that? You have to know that it's all you. (Nancy tears up, looks away and nods her head. She turns towards him and hugs his knees, resting her head on them for comfort) Forget Van Nuys, keep the baby it does not matter. But we leave.
Nancy: Shane did something so-
Andy : That's why we have to go. It's not safe here. Even your plants...
Nancy: But, Esteban I can't-
Andy: Leave him a note.
Nancy: A note?
Andy: Write him a note like the olden times (Nancy chuckles)...break his heart in ink. He will understand if he loves you.
Nancy: I do have nice handwriting.
Andy: And in the morning we go. I'll throw some ambien in Ignacio's smoothie (Nancy laughs) and we hit the road as soon as his eyes close, okay?
Nancy: Oh, Andy.
Andy: And tomorrow night we're someplace NEW. It doesn't even have to be Copenhagen. (Nancy laughs) It can be fucking Van Nuys...W-wherever. We're a family...and then we're done with all this and we'll be safe. I know that I'm just you know, I'm Andy but we could be more. I would like to try. (Nancy sighs not taking her eyes off him) Okay?
Nancy: (she almost laughs at the absurdity of their lives) Okay. (she takes his hand and kisses the side of it before resting her head back down)

(After Shane's apology)
Teacher: You're getting an F, now get the fuck out.
Nancy: Okay, that wasn't necessary.
Teacher: You killed Seacrest.
Nancy: And he apologized.
Teacher: (pushes Shane down) Get the fuck out of my apartment.
Nancy: (Puts her purse down. Through gritted teeth) Oh, that was so...that was really dumb. (picks up baseball bat and strides towards Shane's teacher)
Teacher: (backs away) What the fuck are you doing?
Shane: Mom?
Nancy: (traps Shane's teacher on the couch, bat under his chin) Stealing from students is a no no. It's unseemly not to mention a gross abuse of your position. You're never going to do it again, are you?
Teacher: (choking a little bit) I won't, I'm sorry.
Shane: Can I kick him?
Nancy: No sweetie, by the way you're grounded. No video games, no tweetering, nothing electronic (leans a little harder on teacher's neck with bat) it's desensitizing - it puts you out of touch with your humanity. You can't afford that. (release him, drops the bat and grabs her purse, heading towards the door. Shane following amused) Remember fruits and greens, take care of him. This could be a whole new start for you. (pulls door shut behind her)

Shane: I'm sorry I killed your cockatoo it was an innocent casualty of youthful vengeance, it taught me a valuable lesson about the destructive power of firearms - so he's death was not in vain.

(Doug and Silas argue and Doug brings up Juda. Silas hits him. This sobers them both up and Silas moves in and hugs Doug who hugs him back)
Silas: I'm sorry Doug.
Doug: I'm sorry, I just say things. Sometimes...Sometimes I think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth. And you didn't kill your father, Shane did.
(Silas steps back out of the hug and they look at each other awkwardly before going back to painting at opposite sides of the room)

(Opens freezer to find someplace for her groceries, sees a dead man lying at the bottom)
Celia: (shouts and drops her groceries) Dead Mexican! (races out of the garage and up the stairs repeating herself, she burst into Nancy's bedroom) Dead Mexican! (races out, Nancy opens her eyes slowly)

(After storming into Shane's English teacher's apartment, getting the weed back and taking some other stuff)
Ignacio: Now, shoot him in the leg.
Shane: (fires at the bird, it squawks and they all jump. Feathers fly everywhere. Shane looks shocked)
Ignacio: Not the bird! (Ignacio cries horrified, he gets upset) I meant the man. (signs the cross) Poor little birdy. Go, go go! (he shoos them out)

Police officer: You should go see the Wizard.
Silas: Who?
Police officer: Buddy of mine from high school dropped out went into real estate- market tanked, so now he's a pot agent.
Silas: Pot growers have agents?
Police officer: Oh sure, growers are usually too stoned to do math.
Doug: That's true, math is hard.
Police officer: I'll set up a meeting for you Si.
Doug: Ooh me too, me too! I want to hook up for the meeting and the buying.
Silas: Negotiations can be tricky Doug.
Doug: Fuck off! I'm a master negotiator.

(Nancy and Andy bring a bunch of herbs back home: Nancy listing them off and Andy mentioning all the bad things he can think of - neither listening to the other)
Nancy: What do you think of coriander?
Andy: I think nothing of coriander! ....Although it's nice in a curry. You have to get rid of this baby.
Nancy: No I don't.
Andy: Flush it. Listen, I'm coming into some money. We'll run and get a fresh start. These are very dark waters your swimming in even for you. Nancy what are you doing with all this stuff?
Nancy: We'll plant things, they'll bloom and flourish and smell good and maybe the moods will rise and the dark waters will clear.
Andy: Money. Bricks of it wrapped in those...
Nancy: (covering her ears and walking away)I don't wanna hear.
Andy: Hey, I don't wanna tell you.
Nancy: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Andy: You know gophers and bunnies are gonna eat your plants.
Nancy: (uncovers her ears) I'll build a fence.
Andy: (trails after her) Yeah, well maybe the gophers are already inside, huh. Just waiting and growing.
Nancy: Hey, shut up!
Andy: Sucking the nutrients from your soil.
Nancy: Shut up!

Celia: I am going into your house to take a bath.
Nancy: Try it, and the toaster goes in with you!