Wife Swap

Season 3 Episode 16

Haigwood/Hess-Webb

0
Aired Friday 8:00 PM Feb 19, 2007 on ABC
SUBMIT REVIEW

Episode Fan Reviews (16)

5.2
out of 10
Average
27 votes
  • Ballet of the Deranged

    8.8
    Are the Haigwoods for real?

    I imagine so, I have met folks just like them. Watching this episode was almost like a reunion of sorts for me.

    Old man Haigwood seemed to be an unhinged loon, a characteristic that he has passed down to his son the aspiring pilot. The female-like other Haigwood was a missionary for the brilliant dietary habit of eating raw meat (rancid or otherwise) and brushing teeth with unprocessed butter and clay (yes, CLAY) all while beaming... showing off a set of inflamed gums that looked just about ready to shoot her teeth forcefully from her mouth.

    Of course, the poor woman who was dumped into this nut house had no chance... no chance at all. After a week of being nagged to eat lumps of rotten cow and chicken flesh, Mrs. Webb commits the cardinal sin of bringing the ever-nutty Haigwoods out to a barbecue joint. Soon after, they all fall ill... except for the poor Webb woman, who actually eats food that's supposed to be food and is accustomed to it(as opposed to the maggot bait the Haigwoods devour).

    So the Haigwoods get a grease overload and pretend to be sick to their stomachs (as witnessed by the barf bowl laying alongside the ailing Haigwood daughter). Old man Haigwood thinks that he just shortened the lives of his kids by letting them eat processed food, and collapses on the bathroom floor in a sobbing heap. Old man Haigwood, what have you done??

    Old Man Haigwood loves to sing the praises of drinking raw eggs and eating cadaverous flesh. "My hair is growing back!" he claims while bowing his head, showing off three renegade strands of hair that have pushed up randomly through his scalp. Mrs Haigwood brings her Iowa carnival on the road and into the home of some poor fashion consultant from California. They endure mock emergency drills where they crawl under a bench in the basement and cry for help. Mrs Haigwood is so adamant to sell her "germs are good" snake oil that she licks the kitchen floor (uncleaned for a week, thanks to Mrs Haigwood), convinces the youngest boy to eat a slab of raw chicken on some sort of leaf, and nearly slits the throat of a barnyard animal in front of the children to "show them where their food comes from". Wisely, Mr. Webb takes the children and makes a hasty exit, leaving the Haigwood woman with the now relieved chicken in her hands as he drives away.

    Meanwhile, the Haigwood children go uneducated, believing the tripe that their father tells them that "if germs are bad, why would God put them here"? and echo it back like the steepest wall of the Grand Canyon. I imagine that they are here to weed out the gene pool of people that think bacteria-ridden raw meat is somehow healthy. Germs are all good? Tell that to the victims of the black plague.

    Boy Haigwood is just a regular bundle of fun. When confronted in any way, he "whispers so he doesn't shout" as his body shakes and rocks back and forth (an aside- a zoo animal will sometimes do that too). As Mrs Webb was leaving, Boy Haigwood explodes at her like a ripe pimple... all over a slight disagreement. I'd have to see how he behaves at the DMV.

    Mr Webb tells Mrs. Haigwood (on her diet advice) "Why would I listen to anyone who looks like you?" Instead of being insulted like the mentally functional people on this Earth, a lightbulb goes off in Mrs. Haigwood's head. "That's it! I could sell this raw meat diet if I were PRETTY!!", she thinks. At the end of the show, Mrs Haigwood shows up at her Iowa home dressed to the nines, certainly ready to pitch the raw meat diet to anyone dumb enough to listen or those physically unable to get away from her.

    I liked this episode, and feel very guilty about it. If they weren't on the television, these yahoos would never be allowed into my home. These are the type of people who would be chased away from any other home by way of shotgun.
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