Wilfred Season 1 Episode 2

Wilfred: You don't know what life is until you've tasted the salty brine of death. I want to feel that thrill again, and I ain't got too many good swimming years left. This could be my last chance, Ryan.

Wilfred: Carne diem.
Ryan: Carpe.
Wilfred: Carne. It means "meat" in Spanish. How do you live in L.A. and not know that?

Ryan: Uh, well, it was going to be a surprise, but I was thinking that tomorrow we could check out another place that you've always wanted to go.
Wilfred: Sizzler?
Ryan: Well, no...
Wilfred: Titty bar?
Ryan: Interesting.
Wilfred: The movies?
Ryan: No. I mean, yes, the movies.
Wilfred: You mean, like, at a real theater?
Ryan: Yeah, and, uh, guess who's got a new movie out?
Wilfred and Ryan: Matt Damon!
Wilfred: Trent and Mofo of The Morning Zoo both called it a triumph, and they so rarely agree.
Ryan: How would you like to see Mr. Damon the way he's meant to be seen, up on the silver screen with dimples 30 feet high?

Wilfred: Ryan, we've only just seen those chicks, and you've already found a perfectly stupid reason not to get to know them. Kind of reminds me of something you've done in the past, but I can't put my finger in it.

Vet Tech: Ready for Wilfred.
Wilfred: Why? So you can implant your tracking device in my neck? Stay away from me!

Wilfred: It's a conspiracy, Ryan! And you're playing right into their hands! Yeah! Wake up, dumb shits! The American Veterinarian Medical Association is a front controlled by a shadow organization funded by FEMA! The puppet master is Bob Barker! (to Ryan) Don't let them take my balls!

Wilfred: For the last time, he does not have a dick.
Ryan: He?
Wilfred: Stop twisting my words.