Wizards of Waverly Place Season 2 Episode 16

Harper: (reading her note to Alex) I've done nothing wrong! And the way you've treated me is unforgivable! And you're not the only one who thinks we're not friends anymore. There's another person who thinks we're not friends anymore and I think you know who that person is! But if you don't, it's me, Harper. Signed Harper! (to Max) How did that sound?
Max: I like the note better when you used the bad words.
Harper: Bad words are crotch. They lead to tattoos and piercings!

Harper: Alex, if you're going to be mad at me and not tell me why you are mad at me, then I'm going to be at you and not tell you why I'm mad at you! Oh shoot, I just told you why. Now I'm mad at both of us!

Max: So, if you are Harper from the future... (holds up two fingers) How many fingers am I holding up?
Future Harper: Two.
Max: Oh my gosh. You are from the future! Okay, nobody touch anything. If we do, it could totally disrupt things from when when we return to our own time.
Justin: We're in our own time. She came back from the future.
Max: Right! -I don't get it.

(turning on the Inter-Wizard People Portal)
Justin: I.P.P. on.
Max: (bursts out laughing) On what?

(calling over the Grand Canyon)
Alex: Harper, I give you permission!
Harper: What? I can't hear you!
Alex: I-give-you-permission!
Harper: A mission to do what?!
Alex: This is impossible!
Harper: Mission Impossible? I already saw it!
Alex: Meet me back at the house!
Harper: Okay.
Alex: Oh. So, you hear that!

Selena: Oh, hi. I'm Selena Gomez. In this episode, my character starts out not liking reading very much, but by the end of the episode, Alex learns how important reading can be. Reading can save lives, like "EXIT" in case of a fire. Or "Hey, this bottle has poison in it", but probably not that because they usually have the skull and cross bones on it. Anyway, the point is that I love reading. And so does my friend, writer, producer, actor and director Rob Reiner.
Rob: Oh, hi! I love reading too. (takes a sip of milk and then spits it out) Like I should have read the expiration date on this milk! (puts the carton back in the refrigerator).
Selena: Oh Rob, yes you should have. (back to the audience) But I think you should love reading too. Hi, I'm Selena Gomez, and in this episode, my char... Oh wait, I already read this part. Okay, I'm done. Let's go Rob.

(Alex picks up one of future Harper's books and opens it)
Students in hallway: (gasps)
Random Girl: Alex Russo has a book!
Alex: Oh, I can hear you!!

Justin: Harper, how many Charmed and Dangerous books are there?
Harper: Seven.
Justin: Fine. I'll have them read by the morning. I'll skip flossing to save up time. (writes a note on his hand) "Don't eat corn".

Harper: (about finding H.J. Darling) I had my mom's private investigator track her down.
Alex: Oh, how's the case going?
Harper: Great. Everything's fine, apparently, Dad was just sleeping in the car.

Alex: So after we get off the boat...
Harper: You went to the ski lodge and drank hot chocolate with a polar bear.
Alex: Did I tell you this story already? My goodness, I'm turning into Grandma!
Harper: No, I read the exact same story in the new H.J. Darling book, "Charmed and Dangerous: The Story of the Lost Wand".
Alex: I don't know those books.
Alex: Everyone knows those books. How could you not know about them? They're about wizards like you guys.
Alex: Here's how: I don't read.
Justin: Not even menus, she just points to the picture.

(Alex, Justin, and Max confront H.J. Darling for stealing their stories)
Justin: Wait a minute...Paint-a-Plate, scrap booking, snicker doodles with red-hots, she's stealing Harper's life too!
H.J. Darling: I'm not stealing her life, I have her life! I don't mean have like I've taken her...it's separate...but she still exists. What I'm trying to is...I am Harper! Oh, I ruined a perfectly good dramatic moment!
Alex: (in shock) Oh my gosh, you are Harper.

Justin: (pointing to a photo Harper) Which way did she go?
Foreign Guy: Odd little girl? She said something about P.P. in the Grand Canyon.
Justin: I.P.P. in the Grand Canyon?
Foreign Guy: You too?

Max: I bet this room is bugged! Everybody, talk in code. (clears throat) Peanuts.
Alex: Nobody knows your code, Max.
Max: Then we're safe!

Alex: What is up with your sunglasses?
Justin: It's filtered light therapy for my injured eye.
Alex: It's a pair of mom's sunglasses with a lens knocked out.
Justin: (whispers) Don't tell her.