WWE Pay-Per-View

Season 23 Episode 2

Royal Rumble 2007

Aired Sunday 8:00 PM Jan 28, 2007 on

Episode Fan Reviews (8)

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  • The only place where throwing people over the top rope will give you street cred. Oh wait. It won't? Well, at least you'll win the match.

    30-Man Royal Rumble Match

    Order of entrance:
    1 Ric Flair 2 Finlay 3 Kenny Dykstra
    4 Matt Hardy
    5 Edge
    6 Tommy Dreamer
    7 Sabu
    8 Gregory Helms
    9 Shelton Benjamin
    10 Kane
    11 CM Punk
    12 King Booker
    13 Super Crazy
    14 Jeff Hardy
    15 The Sandman
    16 Randy Orton
    17 Chris Benoit
    18 Rob Van Dam
    19 Viscera
    20 Johnny Nitro
    21 Kevin Thorn
    22 Hardcore Holly
    23 Shawn Michaels
    24 Chris Masters
    25 Chavo Guerrero
    26 Montel Vontavious Porter
    27 Carlito
    28 The Great Khali
    29 The Miz
    30 The Undertaker Ah, the Royal Rumble. 30 men will enter, one man will win, and Lita will get AIDS. Except for the Lita bit. She got AIDS at the age of 12. Don't judge her. Her family was full of crack-addicts and sluts. To bad she was the only one in her family that did crack and slept with everybody on the block. Heck, she even slept with Old Man Jenkins. You know, the one that smelled like urine. Well, surprisingly (or not surprisingly), urine turns Lita on. Anyway, Enough about Lita. She's out of WWE now, and is most likely starting up a new career as a porn star. She'll soon be starring in "Harry **** and the Prizoner of Asskabang". First one out is The Nature Boy, Ric Flair, who most likely slept with Lita. Why do you think Edge took him out with teh conchairto. #2 is Finlay, who loves to fight... against people who hate midgets. The match starts off and Flair and Finlay go at it, with lefts and rights (punches, not pleasurement). Out next at #3 is former Spirit Squad member, now just gay without a gimmick, Kenny Dykstra (what a dyke Kenny automatically goes after Flair, because there's no way to prove your toughness by beating up your elders. #4 is Matt Hardy, who will not die. But, he will lose this match. #5 is the Rated-R superstar (yet only Cena and Kane have been in WWE Films, ironically) Edge. As these six men go at it, Flair brings in two chairs to, what I believe, do a conchairto to Edge. Kenny interferes in Flair's plans and, to my dismay, throws the chairs out of the ring. WTF?!? Somebody throw him out. Kenny then gets eliminated. Thank you! #6 is Tommy Dreamer, who now must job to everybody in ECW, including Davairi. Will there be any jobbing tonight? You betcha. #7 is Sabu, who, like Tommy Dreamer, is jobbing way too much on ECW. Then again, that is his punishment for getting caught holding weed back in Summer 2006. Sabu sets up a table on the outside and enters the ring. A little later on in the match, it is, not ironically, Sabu going through the table to be eliminated. #8 is Gregory Helms, the longest reigning Cruiserweight Champion in WWE history. Of course, McMahon totally forgot about the cruiserweight division, so Helms shouldn't be bragging. But, we'll let the former superhero go this time. And hey, what do you know. There he goes, over the top rope. Bye-bye. #9 is Shelton Benjamin, who, unlike last year, does not have his Mama with him. Or the recognition. #10 is The Big Red (Blue?) Machine, Kane. As Beavis would say "FIRE!". #11 is CM Punk, ECW's only reason it's still on the air. I need to know though. How can you be a punk if you don't drink or do drugs? #12 is King Booker. Sadly for him, nobody in the ring kneels down and kisses his feet. #13 is Super Crazy, who, though is obviously crazy, isn't in a mental ward. #14 is Jeff Hardy, the painter who, when high, forgot to paint his house and ended up painting himself. See kids. This is what drugs will do to you. #15 is The Sandman, who gets in the ring, canes a few people, and gets thrown over the top rope by King Booker. Well, back to drinking your ass off, Sandman. #16 is The Legend Killer, Randy Orton, the master of chinlocks. And, what do you know, he uses a chinlock as his first offensive move. As his defensive move, the reverse chinlock. #17 is Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine. I wonder if WWE will remake "Old Yeller" and have Benoit play the dog. I can see the preview now. "This summer, The Rabid Wolverine will finally be put to sleep. Chris Benoit is Old Yeller". #18 is Rob Van Dam, the other half of ECW's Weed Brothers, opposite Sabu. #19 is Viscera, who, surprisingly, still has a job in WWE. #20 is Johnny Nitro, the man who, despite not being famous, has paparazzi following him. His idol must be Paris Hilton. #21 is Kevin Thorn, ECW's vampire. How scary, a vampire named KEVIN. I'm pissing my pants. But, not because of Thorn. Because I'm too lazy to get up and use the bathroom. #22 is Hardcore Holly. He's as hardcore as the new ECW. #23 is the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Poor guy. His best friend, HHH, is injured with yet another quad injury. Well, he'll have to go it alone (unless God shows up. Oh, wait a minute. That was Backlash 2006). #24 is Chris Masters. Hey, look, it's the artist formerly known as the Masterpiece. #25 is Chavo Guerrero, who is exploiting Eddie Guerrero to where the fact where I can't even stand to look at this guy anymore. Somebody please tell me when he's eliminated. R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero. #26 is MVP, WWE's least valuable player. And he looks like a Power Ranger. Go, go, Power Rangers! #27 is Carlito, who went from Caribbean Cool to just cool. #28 is The "everything but" Great Khali, who just tosses everybody out of the ring. #29 is The Miz, who, thankfully, automatically gets eliminated by Khali (I refuse to call him great). #30 is The Undertaker, who quickly eliminates Khali. THANK YOU!!! After awhile, it's just down to HBK and The Deadman. After what has to be the most exciting "last-two-men-duking-it-out" in Royal Rumble history, Taker eventually tosses HBK over the top rope to finally win a Royal Rumble match. Way to go!
    WINNER(S): Undertaker
    LOSER(S): 29 other men. No, I don't mean the 29 other men in the match. I mean the men who keep getting thrown out of a night club thanks to those damned bouncers. Just because we're not as big as you doesn't mean we don't deserve lap dances. A-holes!

    WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga (Last Man Standing Match)
    What a surprise! The match was actually exciting. It started off horribly, exceeding my worst fears. But, after a while, it started to pick up. Umaga gets clocked with flying steel chairs, misses a big splash and goes through ECW's announce table, Cena cuts himself open on the steel chairs, finally hits the FU on Umaga, and, with the ring ropes, chokes Umaga out with the STFU, twice, to win the match. And this is just a little sample of this match. I never thought I'd say this, but, besides the Rumble, this was my favorite match of the night. WINNER(S): John Cena
    LSOER(S): Umaga, for losing to Cena twice, and for having a paint job that would put Jeff Hardy to shame.

    World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs. Mr. Kennedy
    A year ago, I would've been all over how great Batista is. But, ever since he returned from his injury, he has not been as good of a wrestler that he used to be. It was Mr. Kennedy, not Batista, who carried this match on his shoulders. It was also Kennedy who dominated during the match. Obviously, Mr. Kennedy can't stand animals. I wonder what he did with his dogs when he was a kid. Probably hit them repeatedly, got on top of the couch, flipped onto them, and then yelled his name into their faces. That'll teach them to crap inside the house. Anyway, a so-so match here. If it wasn't for Kennedy, this match would've most likely been a disaster. I say put the Animal to sleep and train him again.
    WINNER(S): Batista; Mr. Kennedy for carrying the match
    LOSER(S): Mr. Kennedy, for carrying the match, yet not carrying the World Heavyweight Championship

    ECW World Champion Lashley vs. Test
    Ugh. The match I was dreading the most. The untalented and undeserving Test gets a title shot. What's next? The Gobbledy **** gets inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame? As for the match, the Gobbledy **** was more exciting in the ring than this match (I'm hungry for chicken, so the **** keeps popping up in my head... MMMMM... Gobbledy ****). I'll skip the action and just tell you Lashley wins after Test gets counted out. Wow. Exciting. NOT! Borat, what are you doing here? Never mind, you can help me out. Here, sit down and help me write this wrestling review. No, I don't want to wrestle you naked. I don't care if your buddy likes it, I don't! Keep your pants on! That's it, get the hell out of here! WINNER(S): Except for Lashley, nobody
    LOSER(S): Test;Everybody

    Hardys vs. MNM
    Not as good as their former encounters, but still pretty good. Like their last encounters, this match went for about 20 minutes, and delivered. The Phantom of the WWE, Joey Mercury, wants revenge on his broken face (but not his broken fame), and is in the match more than the more talented Johnny Nitro. Nonetheless, a good match in which the Hardyz pick up the victory. Too bad for Mercury's revenge.
    WINNER(S): Hardyz
    LOSER(S): MNM; Phantom of the Opera fans, for Mercury's horrible portrayal of The Phantom. What do you mean he wasn't acting? He's really disfigured? HAHAHAHA! Take that, pretty boy!

    Match of the Night: The Royal Rumble, as always

    Worst Match of the Night: Lashley vs. Test (I feel sad that I had to mention that match again)

    Moment of the Night: Undertaker finally winning the Royal Rumble match.

    Overall, a pretty good PPV. Two great matches, accompanied by a decent match, a so-so match, and a horrible, atrocious match. Not a bad way to spend $40.00.
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