In the first scene of Act I, the red candle holder changes position on the coffee table from shot to shot.
Jimmy: (reading a card from the game) Pour hot fudge on your partner somewhere and lick it off.
Christine: That sounds messy.
Jimmy: Yeah. And sounds like a waste of hot fudge.
Jimmy: Okay, so can you pretend like I told you?
Logan: Depends, you got the stuff?
Jimmy: Okay, a new baseball mitt for Dominic and a "Get out of trouble, no questions asked" card for Logan.
Logan: Ok. Here you go.
(Logan gives Jimmy the card)
Jimmy: What's this for?
Logan: No questions asked, remember?
Jimmy: Hey, were the kids good for you?
Sarah: Yeah. They were great!
Christine: Where are they?
Sara: Oh, they're upstairs playing hide and seek. I'll go call them down.
Christine: No, don't, they'll come out when there hungry.
Jimmy: Unless there hiding in the pantry where they'll only come out when they have to go to the bathroom.
Christine: Well, Dominic will.
Dominic: What did grandpa say we were doing tomorrow?
Jimmy: I think he said he's taking you to the pier to go fishing.
Dominic: We have to talk.
Christine: Well, I don't know, Jimmy. I mean, it didn't bug me at first, but the more you guys argued, the more I realized, Big Jimmy isn't exactly the world's most responsible choice to leave your kids with.
Jimmy: Okay, but he's not the least responsible choice either.
Christine: Okay, fine, Jimmy, if my choice of sitters is between your father and a plastic dry-cleaning bag, then, yeah, I'll go with your father.
Jimmy: Well, I know that! But how am I gonna tell him that we trust our 15-year-old babysitter more than him?!
Kim: Well, he has a sweet tooth. Maybe a candygram?
Jimmy: What do you mean, "alright?" Sounds perfect for you. Everybody's your age, you got no little kids running around to worry about.
Big Jimmy: Are you kidding? These, these people have their grandkids running around at all hours. I've never seen so many people wearing diapers changing diapers.
Christine: Well, we'll make up some kind of story.
Jimmy: For Sara or my dad?
Christine: Your dad. We'll, we'll tell him that, that she's his friend's sister.
Jimmy: My dad knows who his friends are.
Christine: Not your dad's friend's sister, Dominic's friend's sister.
Jimmy: I don't know. I think my dad's gonna figure it out.
Christine: Jimmy, even you can't figure it out!
Jimmy: So is Sammy coming to Six Flags?
Kim: We appreciate the offer, but we don't feel comfortable leaving Sammy alone with Big Jimmy.
Greg: Heck, I'm not even comfortable being alone with Big Jimmy. Something's wrong with him. He sneezed earlier, and I swear something got on me.
Jimmy: So? tell him to cover his motuh.
Greg: It came out of his ear.
Jimmy: Alright, if you land on red, pick up a red "Do to Your Partner" card. And if you land on green, pick up a green "Partner Does to You" card.
Christine: Naughty. Where you get a game like this, anyway?
Jimmy: I don't know. Uh, it was Billy's. Uh, he wanted to get rid of it. Apparently, it's not as much fun when you're playing alone.
Jimmy: Hey, so, uh, listen—since the kids are happy, why don't we ask, uh, Sara to stick around a little bit longer, we'll go out to the car, and finish our date the way we used to.
Christine: Come on, Jimmy, you really want to pay nine bucks an hour to go fool around in the car?
Jimmy: An hour? Please? Hey, Sara, listen, uh, we left something in the car. Uh, we'll be back in about 30, 35 cents.
Big Jimmy: Hey, Jimmy, will you give me a hand? The kids won't get out of the car. I had to drag 'em kicking and screaming out of Kmart.
Jimmy: Dad, Dominic and Logan are in the kitchen drawing! You went to Kmart alone!
Big Jimmy: Aw, jeez. I guess that's why they were speaking Spanish.
Greg: Hey, how was the tractor pull?
Jimmy: It wasn't a tractor pull, it was monster trucks. And it was sad.
Jimmy: Because most of the cars they were crushing were nicer than mine.
Jimmy: Dad, we're glad you're here, we just wish Mom could've made it here with you.
Big Jimmy: Ah, me, too, but there's no way I was gonna drag her away from the Leisure Village Gin Tournament.
Jimmy: Wait a minute. Since when does Mom play gin?
Big Jimmy: She doesn't play it, she drinks it.
Writer Bob Smiley is also a writer's assistant.
The original broadcast was a part of Super Monday, celebrating Super Bowl XXXVIII which was broadcast on CBS a day earlier. As per tradition, Mike O'Malley appeared on the latest Super Bowl's Greatest Commercials CBS special, broadcast on January 31.