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Michael attempts to help out the man in the conference room, setting up chairs. He tells us that today is Diversity Day, something that he’s been pushing…been wanting to push for a long time…and corporate mandated it. Though Michael didn’t actually talk to them about it, he’s very excited.

Jim is making a sales call and talking about what sturdy paper it is, but he’s having trouble hearing. It doesn’t help that Dwight decides this is the best point in time to start shredding paper. Jim asks Dwight if he has to do that right now, and Dwight says he’s been putting it off for weeks. Finally, annoyed, Jim turns off Dwight’s shredder. Dwight retaliates by hanging up on Jim’s phone call. “Retaliation. Dit for tit,” Dwight comments. Jim tells him that’s not the expression, but Dwight says it should be while he continues shredding.

Jim tells the cameras that it’s his biggest sale of the year and that they love him over there. He makes one call a year and it ends up being 25 percent of his commission. He celebrates by bringing a small bottle of champagne to work. “I know, I’m getting cocky, right?” Jim says, smiling.

At her desk, Pam is playing a card game on her computer. She tells him it’s Free Cell and Jim tells her to put the 6 on the 7. Pam says she knows but she’s waiting because she likes it when the cards go fwip, fwip, fwip fwip…. “Who doesn’t love that?” Jim intones.

Michael waits until the diversity leader walks out of the conference room before going over to Oscar. “Hey Oscar! How you doin’, man?” he says overenthusiastically. He continues loudly asking about his weekend until the diversity leader approaches him. Michael introduces him to Oscar. “Martinez,” Oscar says, shaking the man’s hand. Michael remarks he doesn’t even know – he’s on a first name basis. “Diversity, everybody, let’s do it!” Michael says, summoning everyone to the conference room, still talking about Oscar. Jim’s trying to finish his big sales call, but Michael reprimands him, saying he wishes every day was Diversity Day.

In the conference room, the diversity leader is collecting cards. “At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations,” he begins. Michael tells him that it’s a color-free zone there and that he doesn’t even think of Stanley as another race. The man says they don’t have to pretend that they’re color-blind and that’s fighting ignorance with ignorance, all while Michael continues to interrupt him. The leader attempts to start an exercise, but Michael butts in with his own idea: everybody should say a race that they are attracted to sexually. “I will go last,” Michael notes, pointing at Dwight.

“I have two. White and Indian,” Dwight says, as the camera focuses on Kelly (who is Indian) with an uncomfortable look on her face. The diversity leader asks permission to run the session, which Michael reluctantly gives. The diversity leader notes that he had everyone write down an incident that they found offensive in the workplace. Dwight asks to steer away from gay people because it’s an orientation and not a race. “And a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so paradox,” Dwight says. The leader says they only have an hour.

Michael says they should just defer to the leader and asks his name. “Mr. Brown,” he replies. Michael realizing that the leader is black and thinking it’s a test, tells him he will not call him that. Mr. Brown tells him it’s his name, not a test and goes on to say that many people wrote down the same incident that he was brought in to the office to respond to, the Chris Rock comedy routine. He asks how many are familiar with it, and most of the office raises their hands. Michael looks worried and a bit stunned.

Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking, and I do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I’m white and Chris is black?

Mr. Brown says they’re going to reenact the routine with a more positive outcome and Michael says he will play Chris Rock, to the groans of the room. Mr. Brown says someone who wasn’t involved in the incident should do it and Michael says he’ll be “Guy listening.” Kevin volunteers, but Michael interviews that Kevin is a great guy and accountant, but not much of an entertainer. Kevin gives it a try.

Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people, and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess…
Michael: OK, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but he’s ruined…he’s butchering it. I- I, Can you just let me? (Channeling Chris Rock, with the swear words bleeped) Every time, every time black people wanna have a good time, some mean-ass [bleep] it up. I take care of my kids! [Bleep] always want credit for something they supposed to do!
Mr. Brown (attempting to stop Michael and yelling to interrupt): Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!
Michael: What you want? A cookie?

Jim’s phone is ringing and he looks at it longingly while Mr. Brown goes over an acronym, HERO, which stands for Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness. Dwight says that’s not all it takes to be a hero and notes that a hero needs to kill people who wish him harm, is part human and part supernatural, is born out of a childhood trauma or out of a disaster and must be avenged. Mr. Brown says he’s not talking about superheroes. “We all have a hero in our heart,” Dwight replies.

Later, Mr. Brown asks everyone to sign forms as part of a group pledge. Michael says he can’t sign this, but Mr. Brown says he can’t leave till he does. Michael says the form says he learned something and he didn’t because he knew it already and would rather sign something that says he taught something or helped him teach something. Mr. Brown asks to talk to Michael candidly. Back in Michael’s office, Michael explains that the office is advanced in terms of racial awareness and it’s probably more than Mr. Brown is used to. Mr. Brown tells him that he is there because of Michael’s comments and that he only asked other people to sign forms because he didn’t want to embarrass Michael by singling him out. Michael looks uncomfortable and tells Mr. Brown that he thought he cared about diversity but he really doesn’t. He signs the form.

Michael: (reading the form) I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness… Open-mindedness, is that a word? … into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a HERO. Signed, Daffy Duck. Oh, he’s gonna lose it when he sees that.

At his desk, Jim is still trying to get through to make his big sales call, but Mr. Deckert is at lunch. He nervously looks at the camera. Michael reads the Diversity Today form out loud mockingly and rips it up. Michael says he believes what he read but says he doesn’t need a pledge. He says that “Mr. Brown” got them halfway there and got them talking, but then reconsiders and says that Mr. Brown got them nothing, insulted them, and abandoned them. Michael tells everyone that there were no connections, emotion or heart in the training. “Where was my Oprah moment?” he exclaims. After lunch, he will have them all in tears, he promises.

Back in the conference room, it’s Diversity Day – Take 2! Jim keeps trying to get through to Mr. Deckert and Michael calls them into the room. Toby asks if they’re all going to sit in a circle Indian-style and everyone laughs. Michael angrily tells him that was offensive and lame (so double offensive) and that it is an environment of welcoming, so he should just get the hell out of there.

Michael starts by calling diversity the cornerstone of progress, but tells them that they should take his word for it and should just look at the tape. Of course, Michael is the one on the tape.

Michael: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder-Mifflin paper products in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But I'm also the founder of “Diversity Tomorrow,” because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that “if you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Michael asks for questions and comments and Jim asks if that’s it. Michael says he only had an hour but he’s going to add on to it later on. Kevin comments that it was hard to hear. Michael blames it on the camerawork and Dwight looks uncomfortable. Kelly says she has a customer meeting and has to leave. “Well if you leave we’ll only have two left,” Michael tells her, but then tells her to enjoy. “Namaste,” he adds. Michael shares a story, noting that he’s “part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations” but he says he’s part Native American Indian. Oscar asks what part and Michael answers two-fifteenths and Oscar replies that the fraction doesn’t make any sense. Michael replies that it’s hard for him to talk about the suffering. Oscar tells a story about how his parents were from Mexico but he grew up in the United States. Michael is impressed and calls it the American dream and asks Oscar is there’s a term other than Mexican that Oscar would prefer, something less offensive. Oscar says it’s not offensive and when Michael says it has certain connotations, he wants to know what he means by that. Covering, Michael notes it stands for honesty, empathy, respect…

Jim’s phone is ringing and he dashes out to answer it, but is not in time.

Michael has index cards face down on a bulletin board and asks everyone to put one on their foreheads without looking at it. Each card as different races, nationalities and even religions on it. Michael wants them all to treat other people like what is written on the card. The camera scans and Pam is Jewish, Kevin is Italian, Angela is Jamaican and Stanley, coincidentally, is “Black.” Michael puts a notecard on his head that says “Martin Luther King Jr.” “I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get ‘er done!”

Michael interviews that Martin Luther King is a hero of his and that there is a great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after MLK are actually more violent. He says he’s not going to do it.

Back in the room, Pam is talking to Stanley. Michael says this is a good one. Pam and Stanley exchange pleasantries and Stanley says he admires Pam’s culture’s success in America. Michael prods them to push it! “Olympics of suffering, right here! Slavery vs. the Holocaust!” Stanley asks who he’s supposed to be and takes the card off his head. Michael tells him that it wasn’t intentional.

“Lots of cultures eat rice. That doesn’t help me,” an indignant “Asian” Dwight says to Meredith. He approaches Pam and says, “Shalom, I’d like to apply for a loan.” Dwight asks for something really stereotypical so he can get it really quick. Pam says she likes his food and Dwight guesses Outback Steakhouse so he must be Australian. Michael chides her, and tells her to stir the pot, stir the melting pot!

Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw man, am I a woman!?

Michael tells the camera that he didn’t do Arabs because he thought it would be too explosive. No pun intended.

At Pam’s desk, Ryan downloaded some sketches and Jim approaches him. Ryan says she’s cute and Jim says yeah, but she’s engaged. Ryan says he was talking about the girl in the sketch. Jim quickly agrees that she’s hot.

Back in the conference from, Diversity Day – Take 2 continues. Italian Kevin is talking to a Jamaican Angela.

Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.

Michael says it’s good but they need to push it further. He sees that Kelly is back and starts talking to her in a mock Indian accent. She tells him it was the longest meeting. Michael welcomes her to his convenience store and asks her if she wants cookie-cookie (99 cents plus tax) and keeps asking her over and over until she snaps and slaps Michael across the face. Everyone looks at Michael angrily and Michael is stunned. “All right, all right! Yes! That was great!” he attempts to cover. “She gets it! Now she knows what it’s like to be a minority!”

Jim finally gets Mr. Deckert, but it soon becomes apparent that Dwight has closed the sale with him by giving him a discount. He takes out his bottle of champagne and puts it on Dwight’s desk.

Michael looks defeated in the conference room and tells everyone that he hated when Mr. Brown was there and that he never met any of them before. Jim walks in and sits next to a weary Pam. Michael just wanted to do it their way, on their own. Michael says that maybe he should have gotten some food. “Maybe a-some spaghetti,” Kevin says, still in character. Michael says the exercise is over. Pam nods off and rests her head on Jim’s shoulder. Michael continues that food would have shown him up, “some burritos or some colored greens or some pad thai.” Stanley corrects him and says that it’s collard greens but Michael counters that it wouldn’t make any sense because they’re not called “collard people,” which would be offensive. Jim looks happy as Pam rests on his shoulder, but everyone is filing out of the room now and Jim whispers to her to wake her up.

“Uhh, not a bad day,” Jim interviews, smiling a little.