Click to enlarge

Imagine for just a moment that on some parallel dimension, Cammy Dunaway was not throwing imaginary frissbees at a badly rendered puppy called "Peach" or beating her boss Regis off an imaginary platform with a imaginary foam bat. A parallel universe where Regis kept his promise (or rather DID NOT LIE) about the presence of a game for the hardcore gamer, or at the very least, show a true hardcore game that is in the works, a game that would have made a small difference if at least had been demoed in front of a crowd of people that, of all things, is made up of hardcore gamers. There was also a internet audience that somehow found the time to tune into a internet live feed (not an easy thing if you think about it) and wasted an hour of their lives because they... no, WE are hardcore enough to care. We did not want to see Cammy Dunaway pretend being cool riding on the Balance Board while being cheered up by a suspiciously happy (read stoned) Shaun White. We didn't want to see a rehash of Animal Crossing or pretend that we should care about a add on that turns the Wiimote into the most expensive controller in the market, and for sure we did not care about the baby rattler that Wii music really is. NO we wanted to see games like MAD WORLD, we wanted to see Cammy Dunaway show us, the hardcore, how she ripped the heart out of some street thug and chainsaw some criminal punk in half while blood sprayed every which way. Why didn't Nintendo show Mad World, a game that would have sent the crowd into an uproar. And why wasn't Fatal Frame 4 shown at all? A game that has great visuals and pushes the hardware it is running on and it is the only worthwhile survival horror game for the Wii. And what about The Conduit? if a game as crappy as Red Steel was able to sell in great numbers, imagine if a competent FPS with great controls and graphics were to be release, why isn't Nintendo picking this one up for publishing?

There are hardcore games for the Wii, clearly in small numbers, but they are there to show that the Wii can deliver a great gameplay experience if developers dedicate the resourses and the time to it. But no, Nintendo is too busy turning the DS into a recipe book, the Wii into a Yoga trainer and all the while raking in the money by the truck load of the profits it gets from selling overpriced Gamecube tech, and creating a false drought of hardware to keep the price up. Really, what other explanation there could be for such a ridiculous situation. It has been 2 years, 2 YEARS!!! and Nintendo expects us to believe that their factories are not able to produce and meet the demand of a console whose guts are 7 years out of date and that has for internal memory 512 Megs! You can find pendrives with more capacity than that in a drugstore! Let's face it, if you are a hardcore gamer and you picked up the Wii, you are out of luck. First Party wise, we do not exist for Nintendo, that role now falls upon companies like Platinum Games, Tecmo and others to pick up the slack an occupy the territory Nintendo gladly abandoned. This year the Wii is Casualand and except for a few exceptions, it will be a long while before Nintendo can wow us over again. Hope you like to shear sheeps on Guinness World Records ... Good Lord!

For what is worth, at least on that other parallel dimension Cammy Dunaway is getting an standing ovation from a enthralled crowd after seeing the best press conference in the history of Nintendo and of E3 ... and booth babes never left. Damn you Erwin Schrödinger.

Click to go to Image Section

Or here to see the large size version

[UPDATE] I'm kinda surprised as to how many of you took notice upon the little image on the Marine's left shoulder and as OrangeBluez and SemiMaster have kindly pointed out, it is a previous illustration of mine which you can see here

Click for larger view

1. Microsoft capacity to blatantly copy its competitors ideas. They have prospered over the years on the PC market by plagiarizing or downright stealing its rivals ideas and procedures so why change their Modus Operandi now, right? and if that doesn't work, just buy them.

2. Nintendo absolute disregard for the fans that helped them stay afloat during the harsh times the company went thru last generation. If I were to use a metaphor to describe how Nintendo is treating its long time followers, it would be just the same as a multi stage rocket treats its engines after reaching the stratosphere; by dumping them! leaving them behind to burn up in the atmosphere. And here is another metaphor, the Wimmote rubber grip is to a condom what the Wii Motion Plus is to a buttplug! And might as well be, because by making this device Nintendo just uttered a collective “BEND OVER” to all Wii owners! Oh Nintendo execs, you are such geniuses, now every Nintendo fan will have the priviledge to pay you $30 for a function that the Wiimote should have had 2 years ago!! And with a single gesture (I'm thinking on a raised middle finger) you have made all Wii software released to this date, and that under development by third parties gimp by default!

3. Sony's "solid" press conference. Einstein said: “Everything is relative”. Just as a salty cracker would be deemed solid in relative terms when compared to a turd that has been under the rain for 2 hours! No megaton announcements just promises and pleas to the fans to be patient. Sony, you can't keep someone that has spended money on the most expensive gaming console on the market happy on promises alone! If you can't differentiate your catalog of games with a respectable number of exclusives then what is there to differentiate the PS3 from its direct competitor?

This year E3 has been the most dissapointing to date, that is almost an universal consensus to all game fans. E3 has become (here is another metaphor, I'm on a roll guys!) a car that has ran out of gas and its moving on inertia alone. The driver knows it, the passangers have a near certainty that that is the case and unless a gas station is within reach pretty damn soon, that car is gonna end up on a ditch, and to tell you the truth, I don't feel like hitchhiking.

Click to enlarge

Forewarning: Long blog entry ahead, but don't feel discouraged, I talk about boobs halfway thru.

While I was drawing this strip, I mused upon the various topics it touches upon. (yes, other thoughts beyond tiny bikinis!) Nintendo was the trendsetter when it came to making spin offs of its flagship franchise, Mario. Ever since the 16 bit Mario Kart, Mario and company have appeared in countless other titles beyond platforming. Nearly every major sport has been passed thru the colorful and cheerful filter of the Mario universe.

From Golf, Tennis, Soccer, Basketball, even the Olympic Games (sharing the limelight with Sega's main mascot, but that is blog material for another occasion), the excellent RPG Paper Marios and the puzzler Dr. Mario or the curiously creative Mario Paint. Also lesser profile activities such as the Party titles (which have outlasted their welcome), to one-of-a-kind experiments such as Dance Revolution, Picross or even Pinball have been rendered under the Mario brand.

No, I'm not gonna talk about those other titles, that were so horrible, that not even Nintendo would acknowledge their existance, but it proofs that Nintendo was willing to put Mario on just about anything. Mario Hotel anyone?

The most recent announcement of this series of spin offs is Mario Sluggers... Ok, just to make it clear for anyone that is reading this and doesn't live in The United States, Japan, Cuba or Venezuela, that means Baseball. That's right, Baseball. The only people in the world that would actually give a damn about this game live on the countries previously mentioned. There are not enough happy clouds, coins, pipes, smily stars or hallucinogenic mushrooms in the whole Mushroom Kingdom that would make baseball NOT boring. ( hmm... Mushroom Kingdom, maybe that is why everything is so colorful and happy). There is not another way around it, Baseball is not a very entertaining sport to play or even watch. And I'm talking from personal experience since I used to play it both, in real life and in video games. The fact remains, the “King of Sports” for the rest of the world is Football (and no, not the one with the helmets!) and that has already been done as Mario Strikers.

Has Nintendo done one spin off too many? Either they keep rehashing the Tennis,Golf and Kart formula or they tackle other sports for Mariofication ( said that way kinda sounds painful ).

American Football? too American, Rugby? too Aussie, Cricket? too British, Hockey? *pictures Yoshi pulling Luigi's jersey over his head and punching his face in* fun, but too violent and Canadian, eh.

What other sport with international reach can Nintendo coat with the Mario essence. Wait! I know!! Volleyball!!! ... oh wait, there is a small problem. To make volleyball apealing to most gamers(read males), it would have to be Beach Volleyball.

If there is a name that is linked to Beach Volleyball, either for better or worse, that is Tomonobu Itagaki. Yes, the most media attention grabbing developer this side of Dennis Dyack.

Tecmo's former employee, creator of one of the best action games ever: Ninja Gaiden as well as one of the most solid fighting games series around, Dead or Alive.

Althought Dead or Alive is sorely overlooked over other more established fightings series such as Virtua Fighter, Tekken or Street Fighter, it was a well executed series of fighting games. Too bad the little respect that that series had was smothered to dead by the overflowing cleavage of its female leads. And that which drove the proverbial nail into the coffin of that series respect was, of all things, a spin off: The Xtreme Beach Volleyball games, after that, no fan of the DOA games would readily admit being one. And don't think for a moment that it was the "Boobs Factor" of that series what ruined the reputation of the franchise. (Hey, I'm all for boobs, ... there, I said it again ... BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOOOOBS!!!) There is nothing wrong with a game having sex appeal, the problem arises when the game relies almost entirely upon sex appeal, now that is a game in trouble. That was the main problem with the Xtreme games, the Volleyball simulation it offered was pure garbage.

And example of a great Beach Volleyball game was Beach Spikers. What made Beach Spikers great was the fact that it was indeed a solid and highly playable arcade Volleyball game. The fact hat the cast was all female and happened to wear bikinis was just an added bonus, but in no way it was lewd or excessive, it was just a natural part of the game. Another thing that made the game good was that it focused ONLY on playing Volleyball!(imagine that Itagaki, Wow, what a concept)

What screwed over the Xtreme games was that, for some God forsaken reason, Itagaki and Team Ninja diluted the Volleyball part of the game and added a collection of activities that distracted the developement time away from the sport's simulation: Lousy jetski racing, frolicky poolside events, shallow casino games, pseudo tamagochi partner pandering, dress up doll fetiches, vouyer in engine cinemas and, to top it all off, strip club pole dancing. No kidding!

Itagaki once said that he considered the DOA girls as "his dauthgers" if that is the case Itagaki, you are one messed up, sick pervert of a parent!

Now that Itagaki is gone, someone else (prefereably with much more common sense and talent) will take the helm of the Ninja Gaiden and the DOA series, and maybe even the Xtreme games. And I would advise to said person to look at Beach Spikers as a template upon which to build the series. Oh, another thing: make sure that the physics engine should mainly be used for the bounce of the damn ball!!! And why the hell not? make the game attractive to the female and gay demographic by adding the male cast of DOA too. I believe in equality 100%.

Now, back to Nintendo. There is no doubt that they are perfectly capable of developing a Mario themed Volleyball game. The gameplay would be a guaranteed. But should it include also the beach variant of the sport? And if so, should the cast wear, gasp, bathing suits?

Nintendo has had no problems in the past when it came to shortening Peach's dress or having her wear short pants. But bathing suits are still an off limits terrain, but for how long? I'm pretty sure we won't see things as extreme as the designs I drew, but something more adequate may arise in the future, her Strikers outfit was quite unprecedented and it could be a good indication of where things may lead.

Also, if the females of the cast are allowed to wear short pants to play sport, why is Mario and Luigi wearing the same old, ugly overalls? Wouldn't Mario look better wearing a basketball uniform while playing basketball? There is an unfair disparity right there, whichever way you look at it. You may be thinking that Nintendo would never risk to soil the image of such iconic characters. Well Nintendo doesn't need to worry about that, because that is what deviantArt is for! (I've hanged around deviantArt long enough to know that there is nothing untouchable or sacred when it come to fanartist).

And finally, if you think that Nintendo would not deal with sexually ambiguous concepts, let me remind everyone that it was them who introduced to the world to Birdo; a pink transvestite dinosaur that shoots eggs out of its mouth... Go ahead and try to wrap your brain around that concept!

Just a quick update to show you guys my last illustration as well as to inform everyone that I've been working on Loose Buttons No4 and that it'll be up next week. My intentions were to have it up before the weekend but the panels of the strip got really "visually busy", hence it got me a bit more occupied that ussual. Man, that is the thing that kills me, not being able to do this stuff faster. I guess that that comes with practice . Well, see you next week and enjoy the piece.

Click for larger view