so yesterday ana and i were celebrating our one year anniversary and we went to the mall where i popped into FYE and you'll never guess what i found, like it was a sign. first i found seasons 1 and 6 of hercules, used of course but they were being sold for like $13 and $17, so of course i bought them. and the first season also includes all 5 movies. Also i've been recording a show on tv since it's been re running that i used to watch called Third Watch. imagine my surprise when i also find season one of that, so i bought that used instead of paying full price brand new. there's nothing wrong with the discs.

ana and i tried to have a good time but yet again i am sick. i've been fighting a fever on and off for 4 days, sore throat, congestion and nasal, and yesterday my stomach decided it wanted to throw up. yeah it's been fun. So ana does all this sweet stuff for me and i felt like an a**hole because i couldn't do a whole lot for her, because yet again i was sick. but i still tried...i got her some of the perfume she likes and we went out to lunch, then the casino to play $23, then to the mall because we decided to skip the movie since there wasn't much playing that we actually wanted to see. We bought her stepmom a bird for her other one to have a friend because the other bird they had died a couple months ago.

today we're going to our friend shannon's because it's her birthday and shannon promised to drink with me. (she's not much of a drinker.) however, since i've been sick i might just cut that back to having A drink with her for her birthday. we're still going to try to have fun. there's going to be all kinds of food, and rich is hooking up the system so everyone can sing. we'll still have a good time.

Lowe's called ana and she got an interview. they pretty much hired her already, she just has to go in today for the drug test and then hopefully they'll tell her when she can start work. we kind of want to know because her sister invited us down to her house for a fourth of july party, and we don't know if we can make the plans to do it yet because ana doesn't know what her work schedual is going to look like yet.

that's pretty much it for the time being. mom is still as horrible as ever so i really cannot wait to get back to school. i'm not talking to my ex now, i guess it was just like a 2 day thing. not a problem anyway. oh, i also quit smoking. I still have a couple here and there if i'm drinking or whatever, but other than that i haven't been. i figured it would help save some money.

So yeah, i take it back; today wasn't really a better day. It was all fine and everything when ana came over to see me, since i only get to see her on wednesdays because she has summer class all week, and then i see her on the weekends. Well mom started the whole "i want her out of here by 5, she's gone at 5, i mean it ana i don't want to have to tell you 10 times to get out of my house when 5 o clock rolls around..." So all ana said was "it's only 4." Mom decided to start her comments with me and Ana had enough of all the stuff. Finally she was like "nevermind, i'm just going to leave." Well that made me mad. The one thing i was looking forward to and i have to be punished by not getting to spend much time with my girlfriend because mom wanted to be a rude b*** again. Ana stormed out the door and i was pissed, so i picked up a foot stool and threw it at mom not thinking it would actually hit her. Ok first of all, the way she carried on you would've thought i chopped her arm off or something. She fell on the floor and started screaming and crying, so i flew out the door (as my brother rushed to see if she was ok) without any shoes and told ana to hurry up and get in the car, so we took off. I thought for sure mom would call the cops, but she called dad at work instead (who i found out in fact told her to call the cops but she didn't.) We went to sit in the car down by the river so i could calm down. I knew it was wrong and all but i was to enraged to care because i'm sick of her s*it, but then i felt a little bad seeing her face in my head and what she sounded like. Matt called me to let me know everything was ok, but that she had called dad. I called him and he started in with the whole "you can't be getting physical with her (after he stood there last night and let her hit ME)" and he said they're going to have to make other arrangements for me. That made me so mad and dad was yelling at me and i said "YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU PICK HER OVER ME AND WIND UP THROWING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE I AM NEVER COMING BACK AGAIN EVER!" and i hung up on him. Ana took me to get something to eat b/c i was hungry and we hadn't eaten all day. Part of the fight with mom started because i grabbed a donut for ana and one for me because we hadn't eaten, and she yelled at me because i'm not supposed to eat them because they're for dad's lunch...a whole box, just like EVERYTHING in this house is for dad's lunch. After dinner we pulled up out front and picked matt up and we all went for a walk. When we came back my neighbors were out on the porch and it was Alyssa's 21st b-day which i forgot about, so we hung out over there for a while waiting for her to get home. i was saying goodbye to ana when matt came outside and asked me if i wanted to come to wal mart with them, and told me i should come over later. Mom was inside and thought he said that i should come HOME later, so she was like "no she's not, and stop f-ing telling her she can!" she was yelling at dad inside too. This was after dad told matt to tell me i could come home as long as there was no fighting. I came inside and she tried to say that dad said i had to stay somewhere else, and matt said "no dad said she could come home." Now she's in there trying to be best friends with my brother. I'm so tired, i really can't take much more of this. I don't know why she hates me so much. I've longed for the mother daughter relationship that you see in movies for so long, the kind where mom and daughter go to the movies or out for ice cream, where they are friends and can talk to each other...a long time ago my therapist told me i would probably never have that and that i should learn to accept it. I HAVE, but it's hard because i wish for the mom i used to have. I hate having to walk around on egg shells every day and just take the love and the good when she's in a good mood. How can you measure love in doses? Anyway, i guess i'll try harder and be stronger like xena. Though she wasn't afraid to kick the crap out of someone when it was deserved, she also knew how to plan her battles and show restraint. I guess i just have to try a little harder...

so it all started today yet again with mom's usual loving "you're a fat f-ing pig" and "you're a useless piece of s**t" to my brother and i, which we've pretty much become used to, but ya know. She called us every name in the book today even though we tried to be nice and do stuff she wanted us to do, but that never counts. So when dad got home she decided to start a huge fight, and wouldn't allow us to have our friend Jess come over (who my brother is seeing.) Mom locked the front door yesterday and told us she couldn't come over also. She acts like this place is a crack house, and the only reason she does it is A. just to make our lives difficult, and B. because when we have people here it makes her feel uncomfortable because she can't sit at the kitchen table and smoke pot all night.

So Matt and i had enough of it and she was badmouthing us at the dinner table, and dad yet again pretends that this is all not happening right in front of his face. When i told him to do something about his psychotic wife (not what i said), he told me not to bring him into it. So we all got in this fight for about a half an hour until mom went upstairs and cried to dad. She says all this stuff to us, but when we say something back she cries to our "father" until he winds up screaming at US. So he came to her defense tonight and told Matt and I that we WILL be out of this house by next summer at the latest and bla bla bla, that we can't talk to her like that, and whatever. I let him have it and was like "i can't believe you stand there and hear what she says to us and allow all this to happen, and you're in here screaming at us in OUR faces! How can you tell us we can't talk to her like that when stand there and listen to all the abusive things she's saying to us and yet you do NOTHING."

So he threw our age in our face. I know we're old enough to do whatever, but i'm on disability and can't afford anyplace else right now (which would also be pointless since i got back to school in August), and Matt goes to school full time too and he can't force someone in this town to give him a job...See, WE'RE the lazy pieces of crap because we don't work and we "sleep all day" (coming from the woman that starts drinking a pot of coffee at 7pm and doesn't go to bed until like 4a.m. so she can sleep all day and make it look like she did all kinds of work when really she's just trashing our house and cluttering it with more junk). I might wind up moving in with Ana for the summer.

So anyway i'd finally had enough and dad was in my room screaming at my brother and I and mom just comes threw my door and crack me one across the arm...Well, that was it. I grabbed ahold of her and shoved her into the wall and she tried to hit me again so I put her in a headlock and cracked her one. Mind you, dad is standing there watching all of this happen, until he decides to jump in and try to pull me off her. That didn't really work but i wound up on the floor and he threw her out of my room. After she said something about calling the cops i said "go ahead, you hit me first!" and he was like "you did hit her first." I almost fell over that he said something let alone something that was remotely in my defense. So anyway, before SOMEONE called the cops Matt and I waited for Jess to get here and we took off and went to Wal Mart for a while to get away and cool off.

Do you know how embarassing this is? I am a 22 year old who PAYS to live here and i can't even have my friends or my g/f over, and neither can Matt, unless mom isn't having one of her mood swings, but until then EVERY day we have to walk around on egg shells wondering "is she gonna be our friend today or will she hate us today? When's her mood going to change?" Here we are trying to make something of our lives, and we just keep getting pooed all over because....because WHY?

I don't understand. Matt is getting a BA and that's not good enough because he can't find a job right now. I'm back in school and that's not good enough because i sit on my ass all day...because THEY made me go on disability. The only thing that bothers them is that SHE can't take more money from us, because she's gonna charge matt rent too when he gets a job...so WE are the lazy pieces of crap, even though she hasn't worked in 10 years (which she blamed on my psych problems, most of which derrived from her), and uses her kids as a meal ticket to get through life so she doesn't have to work and contribute any money.

She hasn't cooked dinner in like a week, (she keeps ordering out and yet calls me fat) and tonight she makes something really disgusting....Velveeta shells and cheese with tuna in it. It was gross and i said so, to which she responded that i should just go out and eat with ana (because we go out to eat when we're together because there's never anything in this house and mom gets jealous over it.). However, later when dad got home after i ate that crap, she goes out and gets her and my father a pizza...so she left that crap on the stove and made this macaroni stuff with ragu sauce for matt and i to eat. Matt had some of the pizza, she knows i don't like pizza but i'll eat it over that other stuff. I tried to make a sanwhich with my dinner but she threw all the good meat out and all we had was sliced ham off the bone from the store that i don't like, so i threw it away anyway. I'm hungry but i don't dare eat any pizza because i'm a "fat pig" and all i do is eat all the time...I can't believe there is nothing we can do about this (besides move out, which we really can't), and that he can allow it to happen, and that no one can do anything...I tried to have her arrested once for pot, and do you know what the cop said, "well ma'am, we're not here for that." One time when i was on probation we got in a fight and i called the cops. He got here and i said i wanted something done about this and wanted to press charges. My father had just got home so what did he do? He told mom to press charges back against me, because i would go to jail as a probation violation because i wasn't supposed to have any police contact. This is the family i live with. So i guess the only thing i have to ask right now is, WHO F-ING LIVES LIKE THIS?

so yeah, i'm pretty angry right now. if i could plead temporary insanity i would totally kill my mother, and i'd have a pretty good shot at getting off with the insanity plea too; all they would have to do is take a look at my record. seriously, i'm so sick of her telling my brother and i how worthless we are, that we're nothing but a piece of s**t, that we should get the f**k out and get our own place...bla bla bla. so tonight she was saying the same stuff at dinner as usual, and my father, the pathetic excuse for a "man" with no backbone just runs on upstairs like a little b**ch like he always does and just lets it all happen. He seriously watches it all happen right in front of his face but pretends it doesn't...he is the biggest p*ssy i've ever met. i know we're 22 years old, but come on. i don't know who i hate more, my mother for making our lives such hell since we were 9, or my father for allowing all the crap to happen in our house. he's the father, he was the man, he was supposed to protect us...and she knows we can't afford to get out and get our own place right now because of college and everything, and she makes sure to take any money from us any chance she gets...so anyway, she decided to crack my brother across the back tonight, which just pissed me off. and when you know how close my twin brother and i am, NOBODY hits him...so i stood up and told her if she wanted to hit someone to try it out on me, that he couldn't hit her back but i sure as hell could. she got in my face and said "oh yeah, what the f**k are you gonna do about it?" so i got back in her face and she was like "oh BIG girl" and said it again as a crack about my weight. so i took a step forward and she grabbed a squirt bottle full of 409 that she was apparently going to spray in my eyes as a dirty fight. however, she must've thought twice about it because she decided to take off into the back room instead. matt and i decided to go for a walk, even though it's like 293479437650984376 degrees here. so when we got back i was going to sit in the living room and possibly watch tv, which is nearly impossible since she drinks a pot of coffee every night and watches 10,000 episodes of her crime shows and the marathons and smokes pot. but whatever. so she decided to unplug the fan in the living room and take that, and shut off the air conditioner and told us that we couldn't use it because she had them running for 14 hours. first she yelled at us for having the windows UPSTAIRS open while the AC was DOWNSTAIRS...apparently because of the hot air that would come through the windows. however, she told my father that she shut the AC off because she was going to open the front door...i guess to let a breeze in. so she was yelling at us for the same thing she was going to do? matt and i have no AC in our rooms, so we had to open the windows because the fans were only blowing around hot air. mom doesn't care because she got to enjoy the AC all day, and dad doesn't care because he has an AC upstairs in their room, so the only ones to suffer will be matt and I, and they do it on purpous. i seriously can't wait to go back to school.

I failed my road test because the prick had me parallel park at 3pm in the afternoon when school was getting out, on a busy street right before an intersection traffic light where no one would ever dream of trying to do this park. there were at least 3 cars behind me on my butt and they wouldn't go around me because they thought i had my signal light on to turn at the traffic light. i told the instructor that but he just told me that i had to put the car in reverse or the cars behind me wouldn't know what i was doing. i couldn't back up. so i did it anyway and they finally went around me, and he told me i was too far away from the curb and that when i backed out i was in the middle of traffic...of course i was, that's where he made me do it! First he wanted me to do it behind 2 vehicles parked on the side of the street. so after that i knew i messed up so it just went downhill from there. so now i have to work on that some more. my parents were going to give me their other car if i paid to have the breaks fixed on it, but like anything else they say that was just a bunch of bull, and now they're not giving it to me. they're using the excuse that its not safe because there's other stuff wrong with it. really the reason is because they have never done a thing in our lives to make things easy on us unless it benefits them, so this is just another thing to fall in that category.

so i didn't win the karaoke contest. Ana and i made it to finals and she won 3rd place which is awesome for her and i'm happy about that, but it kind of hurt my feelings that i didn't place. i got beat by this older woman who couldn't carry a tune in a dump truck and you could hardly hear her, but oh well i guess. the judges from the radio station that were supposed to be there didn't even show up or call, so they wound up having to use other people from the bar to be the judges. the other people that won were exactly who i expected would. the girl who won first place acted all cocky that night which really wasn't like her, and she brougth three tables of people wtih her who kept saying "here's the winner, and the winner is" all night which i thought was kind of rude since they were saying it before the contest was even over, or had even started.

so the fact that my ex has been on my mind lately has been bothering me. i've been thinking about her and she's been popping up in my dreems and i don't know why, which bothers me. one dream i had the other night wrenched my heart a little because it seemed so real. so i spent yesterday and last night trying to track her down so i could find out if she's still alive, and maybe how she is doing. i hate that part of me can't let that last little bit of her go, but i fear that it's probably going to be there forever. i just have to know. so she texted me today and we only got to talk a little bit which sucks, since its so hard to have a decent conversation through text messaging, but i guess it's free for her. i asked her if maybe we could talk online or on the phone sometime when she has free time. I guess she's pretty busy with work. i did tell her that ana and i are doing good though.

i have a DR's appointment tomorrow and another appointment on thursday. i'm mad because the guy from the VESID program that is supposed to help me with financial aid for school hasn't been returning my emails, and hasn't been accepting phone calls conveniently, and i need to get ahold of him so he can process my FAFSA and let me know how much help he can give me. this all needs to be done ASAP because the next semester starts in august, and last semester i almost didn't get to start classes because i went through this with him and he waiting until the last minute and until the VESID guy from the school called and dogged him about my bill. i guess it just hasn't been that great of a week.

on the plus side though, ana and i have been doing really well. we haven't had any major fights in like 2 weeks, just a little tiff, and we've been getting along great. her mother even came out to the karaoke finals and talked to me, bought me drinks and recorded us singing, it was neat since my parents of course thought of an excuse not to go yet again. i know its hard for them to go to a bar, but dad just doesn't like to get off his ass and mom uses "dad won't let me go to a bar" as an excuse. one day when i graduate and have a career and move far away from here and have a successful happy life and never come back that often or call so much, they're going to wonder why and regret the way they treated me and my brother, but by then it'll be too late. i'm making a life for myself so i won't need or have to depend on them, and i swear to god i will never look back.

lol so yeah...The weather has been dark and crappy and it's been really cold lately, which depresses me. Summer is my favorite season and i thought it was coming early this year, but after the weather we've been getting it's starting not to look so good for an early summer. I guess i'll just have to wait. So, after finals were finished Ana and i went to her sister's house in Greece, NY which was a nice little get away. Because of the weather we didn't get to use the pool or the hot tub, but we drank, ate bagle bites, got new movies, and they even rented me the WWE pay per view that i wanted to see. Ana's sister and her fiancee spent a lot of money on me because they refused to let me pay for anything on the account that i am a "broke college student" lol. We ate out at some really nice places and got to ride in the Hummer. We went to the mall and to this cool place in Buffalo called Dave and Busters, which is a huge arcade place where you win tickets to turn in for prizes. They had a bar there and food too, it was awesome. We were gone for 5 days, and when we got home we went to see our friend Jess, who missed us while we were gone and had sent me a text message informing me to "never leave her again." lol. Last night we all went out to our friends Jay and Melissa's to hang out for a little while, which brings us to today. Ana and i are going to go out to dinner and then i have to find something to do for the rest of the night. It's really hard to get back into the swing of things after school. I'm used to being in class all day and doing homework, i had a nice routine down. Now i have nothing to do all day and it's starting to make me stir crazy. I'm the type of person who always likes to have something going on, i don't usually like to stay in one place for too long doing nothing because i get bored easily. So, the school ripped me off by charging me $79 dollar phone bill because they were charging me long distance fees for calling my friends cell phones and houses which were clearly local, but that's college for you. Last night i found out they put a hold on my account because apparently now i have to pay $97 for something else that they didn't say, which means i can't get my grades until i pay it. I'm going to call the school and throw a fit because i don't think i should have to pay this as well, but whatever. Good thing i'm smart and had my brother check my grades for me the first day they were posted, which broke down as follows:

Contemporary American Fiction- B+
Correctional Philosophy- B+
Criminal Procedure- B+
Beginning Algebra- B+
Early American History- C+

It's great though, i really feel like i've accomplished something and i'm very proud of myself. I worked hard and studied and did my work even though i would have rather have been doing other things at times, but it paid off. I had an A in algebra all semester and lost it at the end which bummed me out a bit, but it's ok. This makes my GPA a 3.0. This is a new experience for me to actually have finall finished a semester. Now i'm just looking forward to the 3 months we have off for summer!