Bad Movie Reviews

Murder Set Pieces:

Psycho photographer carves up hookers and strippers at random in Las Vegas. Then he gets beaten up by a 12 year old girl and move to L.A. That's it. I've just saved you an hour and half of stupidity. It makes Hostel look Shakespearean. It stars no one....except for Tony Todd (Candyman) who apparently lost too much money in the casinos and had to pay it back by being in this....movie. Here's the scene between Psycho & Tony

Psycho: Do you have the snuff film Nutbag? (spoken with no emotion)

Tony: What?

Psycho: Do you have the snuff film Nutbag?

Tony: What?

Psycho: Do you have the snuff film Nutbag?

Tony: I don't know, look around. (Psycho remains at counter staring at tony)

Psycho: Do you have the snuff film Nutbag?

And continue this for TEN MORE minutes! Punching yourself in the nuts would be more entertaining and probably less painful than sitting through this.

Things I've Learned Watching Movies: Asia Edition

Blind Beast

In the grand tradition of bad anime, well, since this was made in 1969 maybe this is where it started, if you rape a girl often enough, not only will she start to enjoy it, she'll fall in love with you.

If you sit in the dark for a day or two, you'll go completely, irreversibly blind.

Once blind, and if your lover is blind as well, you then become a masochist who can only get off sexually by whipping and stabbing each other, until the very end when you get your arms and legs chopped off in excitement.

Snake Woman's Curse

If a Japanese peasant falls down, they will die within a couple of days. So apparently, instead of dropping bombs on Japan in WWII, we should have dumped banana peels and grease.

Said dead peasant will return as a ghost and haunt you if you were their landlord, until you kill yourself, deliberatly or accidentaly. Then the peasants get to go to Heaven.

Kibakicki

It doesn't matter how many Yokai you've slaughered with your Gatling gun, and how much blue blood has been flying around, when the werewolf transforms, even if he's in front of the gun, you are unable to fire. Instead you will back out of the room with the gun, then run in front of it with your swords out and get shot instead.

If your arm gets torn off at the shoulder, don't look at it. It won't bleed until you do.

The Eye 2

Chinese women are indestrucible. While being haunted, the pregnant girl (can't remember her name now) goes to the top of the hospital and throws herself off the roof. She then crawls back up, bleeding and throws herself off again and still doesn't die. The most that happens is her ankle and wrist are bandaged up.

At night, there is no hopital staff or security, or even cameras around, so pregnant, bleeding women can just wander around aimlessly.

Ong Bak & The Protector

Whatever you do, don't make Tony Jaa mad.

Banned in Japan = Scam

I watched the movie Horrors of Malformed Men, which has the claim of being "Banned in Japan." All right, I'll bite. I've seen Takashi Miike's movies and heard about the Guinea Pig series, so let's see what it takes to get "banned"

Hmm...aparently crazy naked girls get you banned. The...plot...is an amnesiac doctor in an insane asylum, with the crazy naked girls, tries to find out where he's from. So he escapes, impersonates a man who looks just like him (hint) and then finds his father. His father is a wannabe Mr. Moreau. Instead of making manimals, he instead want to make everyone deformed because he has webbed hands. So he surgically creates freaks, And has crazy naked girls running around his island. It's reveal the the amnesiac is impersonating his younger, or twin, I don't remember now. Not only that but the girl he fell in love with on Crazy Naked Girl Island is his half sister. Of course dear old dad only tells him this AFTER he's slept with her. (Another grand tradition in Asia apparently) The crazy naked girls are no more revealing than anything on Cinemax right now, but since this was made in the 70s it was apparently too much for Japan.

Useless Questions That Just Won't Leave My Head: Comic Books

How do the religions of the world deal with the fact that the Olympian (Wonder Woman) and Asgardian (Thor) actually exist?

Is Superman naive or the greatest liar in the DC Universe? The last son of Krypton? Hmm...let's see, there's Supergirl so I guess he's in the clear there. But, oh I don't know, EVERYONE IN THE PHANTOM ZONE!!?!?!? Oh yeah and the bottled city of Kandor, they're all from Krypton but just shrunk.

Why is it that supervillians suddenly do something villiany, Dr. Light raping Sue Dibney, the Rogue's Gallery killing Bart Allen Flash, and suddenly they are the worst scum ever created and are hunted down and hated by the other villains. Wasn't that the point of becoming a supervillain?

I had more but I can't think of them now.

And lastly, I got editorship #21, Habane Renmei, by default really, because the last editor retired.

I got to level 50 on Sunday, and now editor for The Revolution (that was a month or so ago, I just didn't care) and the one everyone on the forums seems to be waiting for:

RAW!!!!

Mine! All Mine! Now to clean up the forums. Whee. Should take about a week. Or longer, right now I can't do anything. Maybe after the daily update goes through.

In yet another brilliant move, episode summarys can now be no longer the 100 characters. Yet another thing they fixe that actually had absolutely nothing wrong with it. So instead of putting in the Smackdown summary like I usually do like this

Match #1: Kane vs Finlay

Match #2 for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Matt Hardy & MVP vs Deuce N Domino

Match #3: Rey Mysterio vs Batista

Masterlock Challenge: Chuck Palumbo

Match #4: Rey Mysterio vs Finlay

Instead it would get cut off at around MVP or so which leaves out 3/4 of the show, and that leaves out all the backstage nonesense and storytime. I can just see it now: Bones: Brennen identifies a body. House: House cures a patient. 20/20: Reporters file stories. Family Guy: Peter does something stupid. What utter genius.

What else are they going to change on us? Quotes that can only be six words long? How about limiting us to only 3 submissions a day? Maybe we'll have to put in our password before every submission gets accepted. Are you guys going to start a monthly fee next? No wonder people keep leaving this site. Here's an idea. Before you change yet another thing that isn't wrong, make it the nobody gets hit with the level0/1 bug for a month.

I'm starting to get like the others, wondering why I'm putting up with this.

In the immortal words of Homer Simpson: Urge to kill...rising.

I know it wasn't thier intenet, but this new system is about to drive me off. Bugs? You want bugs? Here we go: I've been trying to update the Colbert Report and either the guest change doesn't go through at all, or else it gets bounce to my queue, which still doesn't work. And new episode entries just end up being blank. nothing shows up or even goes to the q. Time to flee in terror.

And other thing I don't like is that the subission don't tell me what specific episode it's for, just the sereis as a whole.

As far as the "improved" cast/crew submission. It BEYOND sucks. Now I have to waste time entering in everyone's name instead of just being about to check off the old list.