>>>When your standing waiting for a bus and some one asks ''Has the bus come yet?''. Yes it came but i decided not to get on it and stand here all day....If the bus came would i be standing here, eegit..

>>>People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

>>>When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?especially if its your own like!

>>>When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they??

>>>When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"
No freak,I paid a tenner to come to the cinema and stare at the
floor.

>>>People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, didya sunshine?


>>>When people say "life is short". W.t.f?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!!Tell me, What
can you do that's
longer?

>>>When people point at their wrist when asking the time. I know where my watch is pal, where's yours? do i point at my a$$ when i need 2know where da toilet is?

>>>People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears, wellington boots??

>>>When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's disgusting - I always eat stuff I hate.

>>>People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks a million...that's an image I really didn't need..

>>>McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a
McChicken Burger, if u just say a Chicken Burger u get blank looks...Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McPrick, did u understand dat, did ya???

>>>When you come in and its after lashing outta the heavens, your shivering with the cold and soakin wet, and someone says ''was it raining?''
''No i jus felt like drowing myself with a bucket of water before i walked in2 the room to pretend to ye that it was raining'' u daft eegit...

>>>when you lose somthing and someone says ''Where did ya lose it?''...if i knew where I lost it, id have found it by now, ...

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickle the company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself .

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10 Every person has a unique tongue print (no licking at the scene of a crime!).

11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

18. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants!

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first ****

34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.

40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

Just a few little tips on how to make a woman happy...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
! 34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where
she goes

IT I S VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

The following excerpts were taken from Disorder in the American Courts, a book published by court reporters detailing actual, word-for-word transcripts from true cases.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
***
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
***
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's 21.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
***
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
***
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?

How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?

What was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"

Can a person with no ears wear glasses?

If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes
extra tempting to eat?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like
chocolate?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law,
they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

Can mute people burp?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you
be able to go anywhere you want?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?