Ok, this is for the people playing SVU Hangman. My feelings will be really hurt if I don't at least get a couple of comments.

I mentioned on the hangman board that today was more interesting than most. Now you will see just how dull my life is.

A few years ago, I discovered that I was allergic to sweet potatoes. They made me break out in itchy red hives all over my arms, thighs, chest belly, and back. Not a big deal. For some strange reason, yams don't cause me any problems, and they taste about the same, so I just eat them when I have a hankering for sweet potatoes.

Then I found a Betty Crocker Sweet Potato Casserole mix on sale this past Christmas and bought three of them. We had one for the family dinner, and it was good.

And it gave me hives.

So, we had two boxes of sweet potato casserole mix sitting in the pantry, and my mother has been driving me freaking nuts for the past six months to use them up. I swear three weekends a month she will nag me about making one of the mixes. The problem is, besides me, she is the only one in the house who eats sweet potatoes, and I can't anymore, so it has to wait for a big family holiday when we have company to help eat the casserole. We didn't throw a New Years party and every one else was off doing their own things at Easter, so there hasn't been an opportunity to make them since Christmas. Then I noticed that they have a sweet potato pie recipe on the box, so she demanded that I make sweet potato pie for the Fourth of July.

So, I had the ingredients all mixed up and Mom says, "You're not going to bake them now, are you?"

"That's what I had planned."

"It's too hot. I don't want you heating up my kitchen on such a hot day. Wait until it cools off tonight to bake them."

I did as ordered because sometimes it just doesn't pay to fight the insanity. I actually waited until the next day to bake the pies because I was too tired to stay up waiting for it to cool off so I could bake them that night.

So, we had two sweet potato pies and no one but mom and me to eat them. She starts nagging me about helping her eat them up, and I have to remind her that I am allergic, I break out in hives, I don't want to risk the reaction getting worse and someday maybe making my windpipe swell shut.

She keeps nagging,

"Fine, I'll eat a slice." I take a narrow slice about 1/2 inch wide at the crust edge and narrowing to a razor sharp point. I eat it, enjoy it, knowing I'll regret it.

Hours later, no rash. Feeling emboldened, I take another tiny slice. Mmmmm. Sooooo good. By 1:00 a.m., still no rash, so I have another piece as a bedtime snack. Altogether, they didn't amount to a whole slice. I did the same thing on Sunday with no ill effects.

Today I woke up later than usual, too late for breakfast but too early for lunch. The pie was there. I took a teeny, tiny wedge of it.

On an empty stomach.

Half an hour later, I had a lobster-red rash and hives all over my thighs, belly, chest, back, and arms. I took a Benadryl and two Vitamin C tablets (a natural antihistamine) and it was mostly gone by six.

At least now my mom believes me when I tell her I am allergic to sweet potatoes.

And if anyone can explain why I am allergic to sweet potatoes and not yams, I would love to know just because I am a curious person.

And that is a day in my so-caled life.

Back in January, I took a part time job as a telephone customer service representative for a major direct mail marketer and mail-order service that has been in business for over thirty years in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. I take incoming customer service calls - questions, complaints, order changes, and phone payments - so can proudly say that I am NOT a telemarketer. I just have to deal with the people they p!ss off. However, the people who work in the next room over are telemarketers, and I have learned some things from listening to them.

Most of this I am sure you already know or have suspected, but it can be encouraging to have your suspicions confirmed, and maybe I can provide a few tidbits that are news to you. Also, any laws cited apply to the United States only. I don't know what the deal is in other countries. You'll have to look that up for yourself.

So, here are eleven things you may or may not know about telemarketers.

1. Telemarketers are totally focused on SELLING you something in the shortest time possible. They get paid a low wage plus commissions. Commissions are their bread and butter, so if they don't sell, they can't pay the electric bill. That'swhytheytalksofastandmumbleabouttheforty-threeshipmentsofblemish-removingcreamyouhavetobuyatjusttwenyt-nineninetyfiveplusshippingandnhandlingpershipmenttoget your FREE HOME SPA TREATMENT VALUED AT ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS! It's underhanded, but it's legal, and be honest, if it meant the difference between having an asthma inhaler for your kid or telling him he had to ride the bench while his teammates played for the league championships because you couldn't risk him having an asthma attack, you'd sell your little heart out, wouldn't you?

2. Telemarketers are NOT evil. They ARE people just like you, stuck in a crappy job because they have bills to pay, kids to feed, pets to neuter, and a future in which they would some day like to retire. Odds are, they didn't CHOOSE to be a telemarketer, they got stuck with it and they are looking for a better job. Maybe the person who calls you is a twenty-year-old kid with lupus who's been sick since she was eight years old and is too medically fragile to do a more physically demanding job. She's smart enough to be a doctor, but her health doesn't allow her the stamina to complete her education and she doesn't want to live off disability (i.e. YOUR tax dollars) so she has taken a sit-down job where she can drink lots of water and go pee whenever she needs to because her meds affect her kidneys and she has to stay hydrated if she wants to stay out of the hospital. Maybe he's a forty-three-year-old construction worker who was permanently disabled when a steel beam fell on him and has spent the last year of his life learning to walk again and use the computer. Now the state considers him employable even though he needs crutches to walk and can't go back to his old job in construction, but without more education, he isn't qualified for any other job that uses his new computer skills.

3. Telemarketers DO NOT hang up on you the moment you answer the phone. If you think that's what happening, consider this: By hanging up, they are losing a potential sale. What really happens is this: A computer dials four numbers at the same time. The first person to answer goes through to the telemarketer, and the computer hangs up on the rest. The numbers that didn't get answers go back to the bottom of the list and get called again . . . and again . . . and again . . . until you answer.

4. Telemarketers actually ARE allowed to hang up on you, under the right circumstances. They can't just hang up because the person at the other end is being rude and cussing them out, although since you are all compassionate people who understand how desperate a person has to be to take a telemarketing job, I know that would never happen. If, however, the person is non-responsive or asks them to hold, they are allowed to hang up after a specified period of time. The general time frame is about two minutes.

5. Under Federal Law, certain charities are allowed to call you. Even putting your name on the National Do Not Call List will not stop that.

6. Under Federal Law, companies that you have contacted and companies with which you have done business are allowed to call you. "Doing business" includes purchasing a product, sending in the warranty information, requesting free samples of something or trial issues of a magazine, requesting price quotes for insurance, sending in surveys or playing sweepstakes/lottery type games to win a free gift, or - this is the one that blows my mind - doing business with a sister company. To understand the sister company idea, take a look at this website http://www.trilegiant.com/ If you sign up and pay by credit card (the only way TO sign up) for ANY of the services over on the left side of the screen, ALL of those companies now have legal access to your information . . . even your credit card number. They can't do anything with that information (other than contact you) without your consent, but they have sneaky ways of getting your consent. Isn't it freaking ironic that they market Privacy Guard? ROFLMFAO!

7. Under Federal Law, even charities, companies with whom you have done or currently do business, and telemarketing companies not subject to the National Do Not Call Registry MUST HONOR their own Do Not Call lists. The trick is getting your name on them.

8. Under Federal Law, telemarketers are REQUIRED to tell you certain things:

• the name of the company and what they are selling.
  
• how much you will be paying for what you buy BEFORE you pay.
  
• whether the sale are final and/or non-refundable.
  
• if it is a prize promotion, the odds of winning, any expenses or conditions associated with claiming a prize, and that there is no purchase necessary to participate.

9. Under Federal Law, telemarketers are PROHIBITED from

• misrepresenting the cost or quality of goods or services.
  
• making false or misleading statements to persuade you to make a purchase.
  
• misleading you to purchase a credit card protection service that provides protection already provided under Federal Law.

10. Under Federal Law, if a telemarketer has your credit card information, and offers you something on a 'free trial basis' before charging your account, then the telemarketer must get your permission to use the account number, ask you to confirm the number by repeating the last four digits, and record the entire phone transaction.

11. If a telemarketer says they don't know how they got your information, that is probably true. Chances are, all they really know is that the computer dialed your number, you answered, and they have to try to sell you something now. Even if the information is in the computer, it is probably coded in a way that the poor schmuck on the phone hasn't been taught to read it because the powers that be in the company don't WANT the agents to be able to provide that information to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. If you knew how they got your information, you would take steps to prevent it in the future, and their list of potential customers would rapidly dwindle.

Now, I wouldn't be very nice if I gave you all of this juicy information and didn't tell you how to use it to your advantage, would I? Next time I get the chance to blog for a while, I'll give you some hints on how to deal with telemarketers without turning into a horrible, screaming, yelling person.

I have two cousins, ages 15 and 17, who travel to a Baptist church camp in the American South every year. As you can imagine, it involves hymn-singing, prayer, and Bible study, interspersed among typical camp activities such as fishing, swimming, hiking, canoeing, and campfire cookouts. They also go into neighboring communities and help build homes for the poor.

This year on the trip, the younger of my two cousins started throwing up. Before long, he was running a 104* fever and was violently ill. They tried al the typical treatments for nausea...gingerale and soda crackers, pedialyte, etc...but the projectile vomiting continued for hours. Then he started getting an "unusual" circular rash. (Can anyone see where this is heading?)

Anyway, the next day, after nearly twenty-four hours of puking and fever, the Good Christian People who run the camp finally decide to contact my aunt and uncle. Since they were unable to assess the situation from hundreds of miles away, they let my older cousin decide whether they needed to take his younger brother to the hospital. THANK GOD he was scared enough to say they should take him.

At the ER they gave him IV meds for the fever and nausea, and yes, they diagnosed him with Lyme Disease, a bacterial infection carried by certain ticks; but the most troubling thing, to me, at least, is that they had to give him six liters - over a gallon and a half - of fluids to get his electrolytes back to normal. That's over eight percent of his body weight in fluids, just to replace what he puked up in the twenty-four hours that the adults at the camp who were responsible for his safety spent diddling themselves.

When he heard the story, my dad observed that summer camps have to carry a certain amount of insurance in case kids get sick or are injured or killed there, but if the insurance never pays out, the premiums the camp has to pay stay low. Since it can take up to two weeks for the first symptoms of Lyme Disease to show up, there would be no way of saying for sure that picked up the tick that bit him at the camp. He could have just as easily gotten it at a party he attended at our place shortly before leaving for camp.

Now, I don't know about the state in which my cousins go to camp (perhaps, considering recent events, it exists in the State of Denial, Ignorance, or Indifference rather than one of the 50 U.S. states), but here where we live, a summer camp must have a medical person available at all times in case of emergency. That doesn't mean any schmuck with basic Red Cross First Aid, either, but real, honest to goodness medical training. The camp where I worked in my teens had a registered nurse on duty 24/7.

So, where was this person who should have been medically responsible for my cousin? Why was he or she not able to recognize the signs of serious dehydration (sunken eyes, dry lips, lethargy, confusion, and crepey skin) after hours of vomiting? Why was he or she not able to recognize the cla ssic bull's-eye rash of Lyme Disease? How could he or she not know the kid required emergency treatment? Why was this person not competent to make the decision to take my cousin to the hospital rather than asking my Aunt and Uncle to make the call from several hundred miles away and forcing them to rely on the judgment of a seventeen year old kid?

And my biggest question, if my cousin had died of dehydration while they were praying for his recovery rather than treating his illness, would the Good Christian People at that church camp call it God's Will, incompetence, or criminal negligence?

Open Season

Rated PG for some rude humor, mild action and brief language.

Voices: Martin Lawrence as Boog, Ashton Kutcher as Elliot, Gary Sinise as Shaw, and Debra Messing as Beth.

Boog, a domesticated 900lb. Grizzly bear finds himself stranded in the woods 3 days before Open Season. Forced to rely on Elliot, a fast-talking mule deer, the two form an unlikely friendship and must quickly rally other forest animals if they are to form a rag-tag army against the hunters.

This movie certainly did not meet my expectations. There was more good than bad, but that doesn't necessarily make it a good family fun movie. At any rate, I'm glad I didn't pay to see it in the theater.

There was a nice little plot about friendship and forgiveness. Since he was responsible for most of Boog's troubles, Elliot took on the responsibility of getting him home. He was, as usual, inept, and when Boog realized his friend had simply taken him in a huge circle, the pair had a falling out. At about that time, Shaw, the hunter who was after Elliot, spotted them, and trying to get to them he stupidly drove across the beaver dam, breaking it and flooding the valley, washing all the animals downstream. Crossing over a ridge, Boog sees that his home is just at the bottom of the hill, and is eager to get back to his warm, dry garage. He tells the other animals that were swept downstream and out of the safety of the mountains when the dam broke that they are not his problem. Then he sees the long line of hunters leaving town and realizes his friends are in real danger. Since he can't get safely home until open season is over anyhow, he rallies the other animals to fight back against the hunters. The final battle between man and nature is spectacular and hilarious.

Coming from a family of hunters, I took exception to the portrayal of the villain as an unethical lunatic who was more of a beast than the animals he hunted. Yes, there are jerks like Shaw out there, but the movie didn't represent the hundreds of thousands of hunters who do follow the rules. Yes, I know in a movie where the animals are the heroes, the villain is most likely going to be a hunter, but is it really necessary to only show the freaks with no scruples who kill just because they can? There are those families, like mine when I was growing up, where venison, rabbit, trout, and other game animals make up a large portion of the protein in the diet. When my dad and all four brothers had a good year hunting, we ate as much venison as we did beef. All I'm asking for is equal representation.

By far, Open Season's worst failing is it's limited appeal. Most of the gags and jokes seem to have been written by thirteen-year-old boys. While a lot of animated films rely on juvenile humor, many of them also manage to amuse adults as well with subtle satire and sarcasm that doesn't always reach the younger audiences. Shrek and Ice Age are two notable examples. The vast majority of jokes in Open Season rely on gross body functions, stereotypes, and body parts. For example, much is made of Boog's reluctance to do what most bears do naturally in the woods; he requires a toilet and privacy. While it isn't terribly crude or inappropriate, it isn't really a 'family' film either as most of the humor will only appeal to adolescent boys.

The ending, when Beth arrives to take Boog home only to realize that he has finally found his real home in the wild is sweet, touching, and sends the appropriate mesaage that, no matter how long they live among humans, wild animals are still wild.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Recommendation: Rent it for your twelve-year-old son's birthday, make a mess of popcorn, and let him watch it with his friends while you find something better to do with your time. You can always spend quality time with him later playing Monopoly or something.

3 Best Moments: 1. Mr. Weenie says, "I feel so aliiiiive!" 2. Psychotic beaver with delusions of grandeur gets hold of a chainsaw. 3. Every time McSquizzy's army appears.

I deleted the posts about our bulk mail effort to Mariska's website. I didn't want it to become one of these e-mails that takes on a life of its own and is still circulating five years after the fact. Sadly, it didn't achieve the results we were hoping. Please, all of you, keep elliv in your thoughts and prayers as she is going through a rough time now.