Black Books

Season 2 Episode 2


Aired Friday 9:00 PM Mar 08, 2002 on Channel 4



  • Trivia

    • At the end of the episode, where the effects of Manny's disorder are being shown, when Manny is jumping up and down on the car with "EAT ME" written across his chest, the position of the word "EAT" shifts right considerably between shots.

    • In this episode, the chalkboard in the shop has written "No Smouldering" and later on, "88 Degrees".

  • Quotes

    • Landlord: Girls! Girls! Girls! You're both such lovely girls! Don't fight. And if you do, fight nice. With pillows. And jim-jams.

    • Bernard: No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly...

    • Bernard: Get out! Women think you're my girlfriend. Go!
      Fran: Bernard, please... Just for a few hours. In my place I'm lying there writhing and sticky... and glistening...
      Bernard: STOP! IT!

    • (About pretending to be Fran's lawyer)
      Bernard: No, I'm not doing it.
      Fran: Oh, go on. And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference. I'll lie for you, I'll say you're alright.
      Bernard: Alright, deal!

    • Bernard: I think you've got a case. You should get a lawyer.
      Manny: Yeah. It's expensive though. Maybe you could get someone to pretend to be a lawyer?
      Bernard: Yeah. Someone who's just a bit like a lawyer. Arrogant, cruel, crooked, a liar. A real bastard. That'd sort them out.
      (Manny and Fran stare at Bernard)
      Bernard: No, I'm not doing it.

    • (After Bernard's 'summer girl' dumps him)
      Bernard: Fran, don't you think it's time we admitted how, you know, hugely attracted we are to each other?
      Fran: No... I don't. I think we should wait a bit.
      Bernard: 'Til when? Yeah? When?
      Fran: 'Til at least one of us is dead?

    • Manny: (wearing a thick jacket) Bernard, this "Therm-Away" jacket you bought me, it doesn't seem to be working. I feel quite warm!
      Bernard: Trust me, it's what the astronauts use to keep cool.
      Manny: Is space hot?
      Bernard: Of course it is! Where else do you think we get pineapples from?

    • Bernard: (On Manny's 'Dave's Syndrome') It's like that fudge thing of yours, what is it, you have to eat lots of fudge because...
      Manny: It stops me going deaf!
      Bernard: And the other one, what is it, you only travel in vans.
      Manny: (Urgently) No! Other way round! Never let me be put in a van. Never, Never!

    • Bernard: (holds up copy of book) There's this temp, right? She's 29, she can't get a boyfriend, oh my god.
      Female customer: Sounds great!
      Male customer: No, no way.
      Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop nuclear war with China.
      Male customer: Great!

    • Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

    • (after telling Bernard the walls of her flat are moving in)
      Fran: Look, if you don't believe me you can come around tonight and we'll watch the wall!
      Manny: Don't be ridiculous, we'll be staying in and watching the thermometer tonight. Won't we, Bernard? Eh? Eh? Won't we?
      Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers, I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin, it somehow explodes and kills me.

    • Lady from 2B: (reading poem from Bernard's card) Think of a bee. You are it's knees. You waft through me like a summer's breeze. Can I come round Tuesday, please?

    • Manny: Where you going?
      Bernard: Out. Courtship calls. I'm going to get Alice some chocolate and flowers, and chocolate flowers, and florettes of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo.

    • Bernard: My client's room is smaller. And as you know it's illegal to steal space under the European act of legislation which happens... in a court.

    • Fran: Ok, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
      Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

    • Bernard: Look at her. I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.
      Manny: She's not even sweating. Has she not glands?

    • Bernard: Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
      Fran: You haven't stared at me.
      Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

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