The Nostalgia Critic omits both the opening and part of the closing catchphrases.
Nostalgia Critic: (regarding Dan Tanner) Knowing Bob Saget the way we know him now, this is actually really funny to watch. Anyone who watches Bob Saget's standup knows that he is a raunchy, raunchy man, and you know that saying all of this family-friendly bullshit is probably just killing him. In fact, let's compare Dan Tanner and Bob Saget for a second, shall we?
Danny: I know exactly how you feel...and I know how much you girls miss your mother.
Bob: I banged half the girls in this room, and that is...fucking not true. I have not banged anyone here. I've stuck my pinkie in your butts, a couple of ya...
Danny: She was devestated...it broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.
Bob: Fuck that shit! No thanks, I'm good...Do not, kids, do not fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me...
Nostalgia Critic: Dan Tanner, blow me. Bob, (Imitating the Joker from the 1989 Batman Movie)...you...are my number one...guy!
(Michelle is thrown off the horse.)
Nostalgia Critic: (Imitating the horse) Off you go, bitch! Free at last! Maybe I can be a stand-in on Seabiscuit.
Nostalgia Critic: (after Michelle falls off her horse; as Joey) Should I do my Popeye impression? (As himself) So Michelle wakes up, but unfortunately has a horrible case of amnesia. Actually, what am I talking about? That's not unfortunate at all. I wish I had amnesia.
Doctor: Memory loss is very common with head injuries.
Danny: How long is it gonna last?
Doctor: Usually, it's just temporary.
Nostalgia Critic: (Imitating the doctor) One episode. Twenty minutes tops. (normal voice) So everyone tries to get Michelle to remember who she is: Dan, Jesse, Jo-(Joey is talking with Mr. Woodchuck) Seriously, dude. Which hospital?
Michelle: (Talking to her family, without any memory) So, do you all live in the neighborhood?
(An awkward silence)
Nostalgia Critic: No...you're gonna love this.
Becky: We all live in this house.
Michelle: Oh. I hope it's bigger than it looks from the outside.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, through the magic of studio sets, plot holes, and inconsistent writing, yeah!
Nostalgia Critic: This show is the worst! It's like if a Hallmark Cards (Picture of a Hallmark card is shown) pissed all over your family album and then it somehow mutated into a sitcom! It was never funny, never clever, never endearing, so why do we keep watching it? Eight seasons? Hello! That's...a long time to watch untalented hacks centered around a pair of unfunny female troll goblins. It's almost as if they were sending us subliminal messages or something. (Comes up with an idea) In fact...what happens if you play the Olsen Twins' dialogue backwards?
Michelle: You look just like Sleeping Beauty... (The dialogue is played backwards, and turns into a deep, ominous voice) Watch our shows and make us money.
Nostalgia Critic: (Starts to panic) Oh, my god! And what's that say there? (Reading a tag on Michelle's shirt) "Manufactured by Planet Volplax"... OH, MY GOD! The Olsen Twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!
(While going out to tell the people about his discovery, the Critic encounters the Olsen Twin Monsters at the doorway)
Olsens: Come play with us...Come play with us, Critic...Forever...And Ever...And Ever...And Ever...
Nostalgia Critic: TWWWWIIIIINSSSSS! (Blows both their heads off) Ah! I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them? Trying to take over the world?
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
Nostalgia Critic: Of course, yeah. Seeing how they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and go back to my normal duties. 'Cause, you know, they're dead. It's not like they're gonna pop up anywhere. Anywhere else. Especially not on my way back to the room. So, I'm just gonna make that turn I told you about a second ago. And here I go. (Dramatic music sting starts up, and cut off when the camera turns to reveal nothing) You see? Nothing there!
Nostalgia Critic: So, I'll just get back to work and... (Realizes they're still alive) Hu-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! (The Olsens growl and approach him) Ahhhh!
(The Critic wakes up back at home base)
Nostalgia Critic: Uh! Oh! (Sighs in relief) It was just a dream all along. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it... (The Olsens attack in a surprise move, and then the Critic wakes up again) Oh! Uhhh...I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I... (The Olsens attack from the side, and then the Critic wakes up again( Ay! (He looks around) I... (The Olsens attack again, and then the Critic wakes up again, and then hastily states) You know what I do and you know why I do it. (Runs like hell)
Joey: It'd be nice to hug and cuddle something that didn't always talk about wood.
Nostalgia Critic: (About to say something but stops) I'm above that joke.
This episode was supposed to be added on 5/19/09.