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  • White House Thrilled With Record Number Of People Who Thought They Signed Up For Healthcare

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1025 - 10/25/13

    Obama announces the start of the annual D.C. Spooktacular, a weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water, and a 5-year-old reluctantly lets his crying mother sleep in his bed again.moreless
  • Wes Anderson Reteams With Favorite Objects For 'Grand Budapest Hotel'

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1025 - 10/25/13

    Fans are excited for the director to be working with long-time favorite objects like magnifying glasses, bells and old trains again.
  • CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1024 - 10/24/13

    Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...moreless
  • Anonymous Source Tells Reporters That Heas Tired Of Being Speaker Of The House

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1018 - 10/18/13

    A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...moreless
  • The Onion Reviews '12 Years A Slave'

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1018 - 10/18/13

    The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews '12 Years A Slave' in this week's Film Standard.
  • Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn To Grandfatheras Funeral

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1017 - 10/17/13

    Arguing that he had been allowed to wear it in the past, local youth Andrew Robillard protested a parental edict barring his Iron Man costume from the upcoming funeral of his late grandfather.moreless
  • White House Schedules Key Shoutings With Congressional Leaders

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1011 - 10/11/13

    Congressional aides withhold sex until a budget compromise is reached, the Nobel prize in Chemistry is awarded to Taft Middle-School teacher Mr.
  • Kanye West Confirms He's Working On New Solo Child

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1010 - 10/10/13

    The controversial mega-star has hinted that his upcoming newborn will be stripped down, experimental, and deeply personal.
  • Chipmunkas Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1010 - 10/10/13

    Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and r...moreless
  • Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1004 - 10/4/13

    A group of 35 hostages at Laugh-Up Lounge on West Broad Street were set free Wednesday night following a tense, often excruciating seven-minute standup comedy performance.
  • Petty, Shortsighted Americans Outraged At Legislature That Represents Them Perfectly

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1004 - 10/4/13

    A group of hostages are freed after a tense 7-minute stand up set, the last thing a government worker needed was his agency to label him ‘non-essential,’ and David Bowie asks Iman if they should just do lasagna again.moreless
  • The Onion Reviews 'Gravity'

    Full Episode

    S 201310 : Ep 1003 - 10/3/13

    The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Gravity' in this week's Film Standard.
  • Story Of Small Businessman Struggling Under Obama Administration Draws To Close

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0929 - 9/29/13

    As the finale of Breaking Bad draws near, we take a look back at the series that highlighted the heavy toll Barack Obama's policies have taken on entrepreneurs like Walter White.
  • Ted Cruz Fills Few Hours Of Marathon Speech With Rousing Pro-Obamacare Argument

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0927 - 9/27/13

    The world's insect leaders meet at the G20,000,000,000 Summit, a bullied 8th grader incorrectly thought classmates would leave him alone during a field trip to the 9/11 memorial, and a man experiencing his first real moment of peace in years is resuscita...moreless
  • Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0926 - 9/26/13

    Upon reviewing his public profile on the dating website OKCupid, local man Malcolm Lighty, 34, told reporters Thursday that he had decided to omit the fact that he has profound and irresolvable psychological and emotional problems.moreless
  • The Onion Refuses To Cover The Click Bait That Is The Federal Reserve Chairman Nomination Process

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0920 - 9/20/13

    Obama meets with the America’s schizophrenic voices to urge less violence, a 250-pound man is sadly in the best shape of his life, and a new study finds the average American scoots over at least 10 miles per year.moreless
  • The Onion Looks Back At 'Jaws'

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0920 - 9/20/13

    The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at the 1975 thriller 'Jaws' in this week's Film Standard
  • Area Man Unsure If Heas Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0919 - 9/19/13

    Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.moreless
  • Tough Season - Week One Panic - Ep. 3

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0918 - 9/18/13

    After a tough week one loss, Brad desperately tries to trade his entire team away. Larry Fitzgerald gives Alfred Morris some sage advice.
  • Anthony Weiner Announces Bid For Whateveras Left

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0913 - 9/13/13

    Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, Bashar Al-Assad tries a tiny bit of sarin gas on himself to see what it’s like, and a billboard alerts commuters to the existence of a situational comedy starring stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld.moreless
  • College Freshman Honors Dead Roommateas Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0912 - 9/12/13

    Following the tragic death of Clemson University sophomore Ben Pruett, surviving roommate Ryan Greene decided to honor the deceased student’s memory Thursday by solemnly eating all of his perishable foods.
  • Nation Throws Giant Temper Tantrum Upon Learning Syria Is Complex, Nuanced Issue

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0906 - 9/6/13

    A jellyfish falls short of its dream to kill Diana Nyad, a study shows the average person becomes an unhinged psychotic when behind closed doors, and Bruce Springsteen is on the fence about playing Bashar al-Assad’s birthday gig.moreless
  • Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0906 - 9/6/13

    Citing a range of behavior that experts could only describe as “profoundly disturbed,” a new study released by Cornell University’s psychology department Thursday revealed that most otherwise normal people transform into complete psychot...moreless
  • Tough Season - Preview

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0905 - 9/5/13

    Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.
  • Tough Season - The Draft - Ep. 2

    Full Episode

    S 201309 : Ep 0905 - 9/5/13

    Larry Fitzgerald anxiously waits to find out which fantasy team he’ll play for this year, while coach Brad Blevins tries not to panic over his first round pick.
  • Nation Annoyed About Having To Spend Long Weekend Away From Work

    Full Episode

    S 201308 : Ep 0830 - 8/30/13

    The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation’s single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019.moreless
  • CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them

    Full Episode

    S 201308 : Ep 0830 - 8/30/13

    Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications.moreless
  • Dan Savage Successfully Undergoes Gay Conversion Therapy

    Full Episode

    S 201308 : Ep 0823 - 8/23/13

    The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.moreless
  • Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels

    Full Episode

    S 201308 : Ep 0822 - 8/22/13

  • The Onion Reviews 'Lee Daniels' The Butler'

    Full Episode

    S 201308 : Ep 0816 - 8/16/13

    The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Lee Daniels' The Butler' in this week's Film Standard
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