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Agrestic Elementary School - PTA Meeting - Day - Nancy and Celia are standing at podiums in front of a group of fellow moms. Nancy is proposing the idea of removing the soft drinks from the vending machines and replacing them with fruit drinks. Celia is opposed to the idea as it would prevent young girls from effectively "watching their weight." Nancy says that the oldest girls are 11 and they shouldn't be dieting at such a young age.

3 women in the back of the room are gossiping about Nancy. They exposition that her husband has just died and her kitchen was just remodeled and it's beautiful. They also suggest that she's had botex applied to her forehead since her husband died.

Back in the front of the room, Celia says that Nancy may not understand the need to diet as a young female because she has boys. Celia proposes that they remove all but the diet sodas from the vending machines and her idea wins as she is president of the PTA. As Nancy goes to sit down Celia calls her "Nancy Botwin, head of our Healthy Children's Committee". Celia adjourns the meeting. The women stand up to leave.

The 3 women wonder how she's getting by now that her husband, the sole-wage earner, is dead. Nancy overhears them and turns to look at them. The women say that they were just talking about how much they love her purse.

Heylia's House - Kitchen - Day - Nancy is telling Heylia and family about her purse, saying that you can't even tell that it's a knockoff. Keeyon says his wife might want one and asks to look at it. Heylia says that his wife will know he's cheap when she she's the crooked stitching. Nancy claims that the stitching is perfect. Heylia points out the messed up stitching and everyone looks while Nancy says "goddammit" in disbelief. Heylia says, "Looking in the dictionary the other day. Saw your picture sittin' up in there. Right up next to 'dumb ass white bitch'." The family laughs. They have a conversation/debate about the Atkins diet. Vaneeta and Keeyon banter about another couple's problems. The woman took the child support and bought name-brand sneakers for the wrong kid. Nancy opinionates that it's "stupid to buy expensive shoes for a 3-year-old. They'll outgrow them in a day." Conrad asks if she's calling black people stupid. She retorts, "And lazy and they also steal." Heylia chimes in "But we sings and dances real good." Conrad says that white people steal too and starts talking about Enron and WorldCom. Nancy suggests that, "Maybe black people need to start stealing a little bit bigger." Conrad replies, "Maybe so."

Nancy suggests that the ounce of weed that they cut for her may be "a bit small." The room goes quiet like somebody just smacked the leader of the free world. Everybody looks around and finally it comes out: "You never question Heylia's eyeballing." Heylia tells Nancy that she can "eyeball an ounce from outer space with her glasses cracked" as she throws the bag on a scale and it shows up as exactly right. Nancy apologizes as they come down on her for her misstep and she says, "All right, all right, I'm a bitch ass... bitch." They laugh at her inability to curse well. She says "Give me a little respect. I'm the biggest drug dealer in the private community of Agrestic" and then she pulls out a wad of cash. Heylia tells her about herself and then asks her how much money she has there. She goes to hand it to her and as she steps by Conrad she gives him an excuse me look. She realizes she's late to take Shane to his grief counselor and she gets ready to go. Conrad tells her to wait up so that he can walk her out. Vaneeta expositions that Shane was jogging with his dad when he just had a heart attack and died. Heylia gets up and asks who wants cornbread. Vaneeta and Keeyon say they do.

Heylia's House - Front Yard - Day - Conrad is following Nancy to her car and is trying to hit on her in a very very direct manner. Nancy claims the don't-mix-business-and-your-personal-life excuse in an attempt to brush him off. Conrad says "You know I'm full service. Andy didn't tell you that when he hooked us up?" Nancy opens her car door and climbs in as she replies, "I believe my brother-in-law's exact words were 'Dude, meet the finest jit with the finest shit.'" Conrad reacts to the derogatory word and Nancy apologizes and says she has to go. Conrad hits on her a little more then reluctantly lets her close the door and she starts her car.

Botwin House - Kitchen/Family Room - Night - Nancy comes in, takes the remote from Shane, turns off the TV, and sits down. She asks her sons what happens in the guest room. Silas says she should ask Shane. Nancy says she's asking both of them. Turns out Shane was hanging out on the roof and fell through the skylight. Shane's says "but don't worry. I'm okay. Turn the show back on!" Nancy asks him what he was thinking. Silas says that Lupita told him to get down. Lupita, the maid/nanny who is in the kitchen area, says "I told him misses." Shane says that he couldn't hear her. Silas retorts that the deaf girl on Dewey Street could hear her. Shane says she's not deaf and that there's just something wrong with her tongue. Silas asks Shane, "Who told you that? She is totally deaf. And Dennis Clinton says that there's nothing wrong with her tongue." Nancy tells Silas to stop with the story because she's trying to shield her youngest against knowledge of oral sex. Shane asks if he's saying they French kissed. Silas says yeah that's it. Quinn walks in and asks who French kissed and almost makes the same slip Silas just almost did. She changes the subject and asks Shane if his shoulder is okay. Nancy asks if Quinn was here when Shane fell through the skylight. Quinn says that officially she was over at Kim's house working on a science project. Shane says that they were "making out. But nothing naked." Quinn and Silas try to get him to shut up and Nancy looks worried about having to deal with teenage hormones. Nancy's beeper goes off and she says that she has to go out for the neighborhood watch. Nancy leaves, Shane turns the show back on, Silas and Quinn upstairs to fool around, and Lupita makes the sign of the cross as they leave. Lupita comes over with food to watch the show. It involves 3 guys running away from a bear and trying to shoot it and saying "I told you. You can't miss the bear!” Later we'll find out that the show is called Bear Hunt. Lupita says "I love this show."

Nancy's Car - Night - Nancy climbs in her car and Josh Wilson pops up in the back seat and scares her. She says, "My husband died of a heart attack. You wanna orphan my kids?" Josh wants weed to deal and he can't get any from his regular guy because he's out of town at a yoga retreat. The guy took care of him before he left for the retreat but Josh sold out because, "They've been playing Winged Migration at the Plex for the midnight show all week." He explains that, "Shit has gone this fast since The Passion of the Christ." Nancy expresses humorous disbelief as she asks him, "People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ?" Josh says, "Religion my ass, it's a straight up snuff film." Nancy tries to get him to take the week off but he talks her into considering it by offering her cash upfront. She asks him if he's gonna play by the rules. Josh says/sings "One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove." He opens the glove compartment and puts the cash inside. Nancy (or maybe just Mrs. Mary-Louise) is trying so hard not to burst out laughing. She stops the car and tells him to stay away from her customers and not to sell to kids. He poets back "If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. No grass on the field, no grass will they yield." She says, "You're a poet." He says, "You know it." She gives him the weed and asks him if he's needs a ride. He says he's okay, "It's the suburbs. Safe to walk the streets at night and all that." As he climbs out gas station coffee cups fall out and he tells her to take it easy on the lattes because "caffeine is a serious drug." Josh closes the car door and leaves. Nancy looks at the Agrestic High School sign through her window that was in the line of sight of where Josh was just standing. It says "First In Excellence, First In Pride." She stares at for a second and then drives off.

Soccer Game - Day - While Shane is standing around "playing" soccer, Nancy is on the sidelines selling to customer after customer after customer. It seems that they are all soccer dads. (Because apparently the women of this "private community" either don't do cannabis or they don't know that Nancy deals. And the latter wouldn't be surprising because I would figure that if any of the women in this town knew that she was dealing then everyone would). Shane gets kicked and falls down. Nancy yells at the ref for not calling foul. Celia walks up and points out that "Technically, Nancy, ref can't call foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates." Nancy says oh and changes the subject to Isabelle, Celia's youngest daughter. Nancy asks how things are going with going with the nutritionist. Celia says that Isabelle has lost 3 pounds and then starts going on about the crosses she has to bear because her daughters have inherited her husbands traits: Isabelle has Dean's frame and Quinn has Dean's asthma. Isabelle comes over and excitedly asks her mother if she saw her kick. Celia says she wants to see more running and calls her "Isabelly" and Nancy says the kick was great. Isabelle walks off let down. Shane is sitting in the middle of the field. Celia says that Shane might be bleeding. Nancy looks up just as Shane licks blood off his knee. Deven Rensler, a teammate of Shane's, sees him and makes a big deal in front of the other teammates. They all say ew together.

A little later we see Nancy patching Shane up as he asks to stop playing. She gets him to agree to play in the second half. He goes to get fruit punch. After he leaves Celia says that she's read books that say that Nancy should be encouraging her sons to talk about the death. Doug stops by to get his daily dose and Celia asks him if he know where his son, Josh, is. Doug fakes his parental responsibilities horribly but Celia doesn't really get a chance to call him on it. Nancy slips him the weed in a magazine. Doug tries to pay her but with Celia there Nancy says that she'll "catch [him] later." Celia starts complaining about the fact that Josh is dealing weed on the playground that's in sight and starts to call the police. Nancy gets her to stop by convincing her that they won't be able to catch him. Celia says that Nancy's been studying up and Nancy replies that she's been watch Law & Order reruns because she finds Jerry Orbach "oddly comforting." Celia calls her a brave widow and then goes to run Josh off and as she leaves she tells Nancy that yesterday they found a 10-year-old with weed in his lunch box. Nancy jaw almost drops as she repeats the age of the kid.

Over by the drink area a Soccer Dad/Coach is tending to Deven's injured ankle and telling him to keep ice on it. Shane is sitting nearby with a red discoloration around his mouth from the fruit punch.
Coach Dad: Put that on your ankle.
Deven: But I wanna play! We're short one!
Shane: Guess I could go back in coach.
Coach Dad (Like he's reacting to a voice in his head): What? (Sees Shane) Oh, uh, Botwin. Um, there's only a few minutes left in the half. It really wouldn't make a difference. (To Deven) And you! Sit there and ice that ankle so you can play after the break. You hear me cowboy? Now the Hurricanes don't fully blow unless you are out there!
Shane: Coach, did you mean to say that to Deven? Because I think the Hurricanes blow especially hard when I'm out there.
Coach Dad: You watch yourself, Botwin. (Walks off) Alright way to go Hurricanes!
Shane: Actually you should alternate hot and cold every 20 minutes.
Deven: Don't even talk to me weirdo.
Shane: Why? I was just trying to help.
Deven: I don't need you're help lipstick.
Shane: Lipstick?
Deven: Your fruit punch lipstick. Fruit punch! It's perfect. Fruit for the fruit. Or are you just pretending it's blood? Because we all know how much you love the taste of blood. Is that it? Vampire!
Shane: Ok, I'm confused. Am I weirdo, lipstick, fruit punch, or vampire? You really need to pick an insulting nickname and stick to it.
Deven: How bout orphan boy? (Shane throws a drink at him. Deven stands up angry and Shane starts to run with a limp.) I'm gonna kill you! You little freak!... (They run in front of Nancy who puts out her foot after Shane passes.) You are so dead! (Deven trips over her foot.)
Nancy: Deven, honey, you should really need to watch where you're going.

Over in a pavilion area Quinn and Silas are lying on a table and are talking about where they can go to have sex. Quinn says that it isn't going to happen at her house because her mother is so paranoid that she "put one of those stuffed teddy bear nanny cams in the pantry so she could see when Isabelle was sneaking food." Shane is running in their direction he climbs under the table and screams "I am so dead. I am SO Dead! Is he coming?" Silas and Quinn have rolled over so that they can look under the table. They tell him that no one's coming. He tells him that he threw a can of soda at Deven Rensler because he called him orphan boy. Silas says that "He's a fuckwad." Quinn asks if he hit him and Shane says, "No, just grazed him." Silas says, "Oo. That's bad. You can't miss the bear." Shane complains that he was no where near his optimum kill zone. Quinn asks what there talking about. Silas asks her with disbelief "Don't you watch Bear Hunt?" The boys start talking about how "it's only the best show on television." "Every week these guys with gun racks and they're big ol' monster trucks go out and they kill a bear." Quinn says that's horrible. Shane protests that it's awesome. The boys start teasing each other about liking the show. They tell her about C.G.S., Carter Grizzly Suck. He apparently ends the show with the head of the bear that they shot that week and "these wise parting words like 'You can't miss the bear!'" As Silas says the following he picks up his brother and spins him around. He continues with "'or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your momma on Christmas mornin'.'" Quinn says that they're breaking up. Silas monkeys over to her and get close up to her face as he says, "C'mon, think of the time this would save us on foreplay. You'd just whisper 'shoot me in the optimum kill zone' and I'd be good to go." She retorts, "I could whisper linoleum and you'd be good to go." Shane comments, "You're finally gonna do it? Thank God. He's been going crazy." The other two turn to him on kinda contemplative and the other kinda angry and Silas tells him to shut up.

Soccer Field Parking Lot - Inside Doug's Car - Day - He pops in Nellie McKay as he lights up. He pretty deep in when Nancy comes up and knocks on his window and asks him what he's doing. He asks what she's talking about. She tells him that he could get caught and tells him to "keep his smoke private" because he's on the city council and someone like Celia could walk by and see him. He replies, "She is such a bitch. Great tits. But a raging bitch. Her husband banged the tennis pro." Nancy has a look on her face that is a mix of disgust and disbelief. She asks if it was the "Asian girl." Doug confirms and goes on to tell her that while they were playing poker Dean started to lose and he got drunk and told them that last week she stuck the handle of a tennis racket up his butt while they we're having sex. She wonders if her husband, Judah, ever talked about their sex life at the poker games. Doug says no because the men who were still having sex with their wives usually didn't want to jinx it. He pays her and she leaves. As she's walking away Doug yells after her that his wife Dana wanted to do something involving vegatables with her.

Soccer Field Parking Lot - Nancy's Car - Day - Josh sneaks up behind her and asks her if she's found Jesus. She pulls him to the side and pushes him up against the car. She's angry because he lied to her and a ten-year-old kid got busted. He replies that he had to sell it to them because "They all want it. And they cry if you say no." He points out that when she "opened shop" he was cool with what she was doing even though she took away most of his parent business. She says he can't sell to little kids and he says let their parents worry about it because he's "selling it to whoever's buying." He tries to walk off but she grabs him by the face and slams him into the car saying "No, you're not!" They pause and then he comments "No? What are you gonna do? You gonna tell on me? My dad's over there getting baked in the minivan. He's just gonna be pissed that I was holding out on him." He walks to the front of the car and turns back to looks at her and says, "Don't worry. I would never sell to Shane." She starts to lose composure (if any is still there) as she says, "You're a kid. You're just a stupid, irresponsible kid." And he comebacks with "And you're a hypocrite. Keep kids off drugs cries the pot-dealing mom. But you know what? Hey, if it gets you thought the night, good for you Nance." They turn away from each other and start walking as Silas, Shane, and Quinn start walking up from the direction that Josh is leaving to. Shane asks, "Can we go know? I hate soccer and Deven Rensler called me 'orphan boy.'" Nancy says that "Deven Rensler's a fuckwad," and tells them to get in the car. Silas and Quinn are busy flirting and they finally get in the car. Nancy walks around and hops in the driver's seat. Inside Quinn leans up between the passenger and the driver seat and asks Nancy if they can have sex in her house. Nancy has a mortified look on her face.

Botwin House - Roof - Day - Nancy and Quinn are having a conversation about sex. Nancy's asking if Quinn really thinks they're ready. Quinn says yeah and that she's certainly tortured him enough. They've been going out a whole 3 months. Nancy sarcastically repeats "a whole three months." The phone is ringing. Quinn says that she trusts him and she thinks that Silas loves her. Nancy says she thinks so too but they're only 15. Shane is calling for Nancy. He tells her that it was Quinn's mom (Celia) on the phone. Quinn complains that Celia is gonna make Nancy promise that Quinn and Silas won't have sex in her house. Quinn calls her mother an uptight prude and comments "No wonder my dad's screwing Helen Chin." Nancy asks her if she knows about that. Quinn says "I had my suspicions, you just confirmed them. Nancy says "Ah, shit." Quinn says "Look, Mrs. Botwin, I think you're really cool. But Silas and I are ready.... When I had sex with my last boyfriend..." Nancy cuts her off as she repeats "Sex with your last boyfriend?" Quinn says "Yeah. What? Did you think we were virgins?" Quinn stands up to go downstairs when she stands up she can see onto a neighbor's property she comments that "Mr. Wells has a new boy toy." Nancy stands up in disbelief because he didn't know she had an old one. Quinn takes the binoculars and finds out that it's Josh. She says Doug would totally freak if he knew that Josh would gay. Nancy hears this and starts thinking. She stands alone and says, "I know nothing."

Wells House - Day - Josh is bouncing on the bed in the bedroom and Mr. Wells is about to join him when the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door. Josh yells that if it's Girl Scouts tell him to get the mint cookies. Nancy is there and she walks right in, goes into the bedroom, and locks the door behind her. Mr. Wells listens from the other side. She says, "Your dad may not care about the dealing but from what I hear this would really upset him." He gives as she sits on top of him "Okay. You win. No kids. Ever. I promise." She tells him that his "promises aren't worth much." "I swear on my life! Okay! You just can't say anything! You don't know what my dad is really like!" Nancy admits that she doesn't. Mr. Wells is yelling from the other side of the door: "What's going on? He said he was 23." Josh is begging, "Promise me you're not gonna say anything! Please, Mrs. B!" Nancy says she'll think about it. She stands up and spanks him as she stands up to leave. Josh starts to freak out about the vagueness of her response. On her way out she says "See you around" to Josh and "See you at church to Mr. Wells."

Botwin House - Eat-In-Kitchen - Day - Nancy and Celia are sitting at the table and discussing the sex life of their children. Celia claims that she knows everything and that she reads her diary. She knows that Silas and Quinn are planning on having sex. She pulls out a pink teddy bear that she plans to give to Nancy. When Nancy inquires as to what it is Celia tells her that it has a camera in it. She tells Nancy to just slip it into Silas' room and flip the switch to turn it on. Nancy says she isn't going to spy on her kids and besides that she's pretty sure that Silas would notice a bright pink bear that suddenly appeared in his room. Nancy says she trusts her kids. Nancy says "they're all liars and sneaks and it is our job to discover what they're up to and stop it. Are you really that naive?" Nancy says that she's beginning to think that she's "extremely naive." Nancy refuses to take the bear, so Celia asks her to promise her that "mother-to-mother that my daughter and your son will not have sex under this roof. I know that it's hard for you to understand because you have boys, but I don't want Quinn turning into some little slut like that deaf girl up on Dewey Street who gave fellatio to Dennis Clinton." Celia presses, "Promise me." Nancy says, "Fine, fine, not under my roof. You have my word, as a mother." Silas, Quinn, and Shane show up with pizzas. Quinn points out the bear on the table that Shane is now playing with. She says it looks like the one that used to be in the pantry at their house. "What happened to that bear mom? I miss that bear." Shane points at the bear and says, "You can't miss the bear." Celia admits that it's the bear from the pantry. Quinn says she wanted to put it her room. Celia, figuring she has one house covered gives the bear to Quinn.

Agrestic Elementary School - Somewhere Outside - Day - Deven and some other kids are sitting on a bench talking about Shane and making fun of him. Shane is hanging out in the tree above the bench listening and armed with a helmet and a nerf gun. Deven says, "Of course he's not here today. He knows he'd get his ass kicked." Shane jumps down from the tree and starts spraying Deven with the nerf gun. As it covers Deven in pink paint, Shane says, "I think pink's really your color you fuckwad! Who's fruit punch now?" And he has this perfectly evil yet innocent look on his face.

Botwin House - Guest Room - Day - Nancy walks in to find Quinn and Silas under the sheets post-sex. "Nice. Shane goes on a paint rampage and gets suspended and the two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest bedroom. I've got everything under control." Quinn says, don't you see? We're not technically under your roof." They all look up at the skylight/hole in the wall.

Heylia's House - Porch - Day Nancy walks up and knocks in the door. Conrad answers the door and smiles when her sees her. Nancy starts to break down and turns around to leave. Conrad gets sensitive and concerned and grabs her and pulls her back into a hug. Nancy cries into his shoulder. Conrad yells in "Heylia, break out that pie you made last night. The white lady's havin a time of it here." Heylia yells back, "Tell her get her skinny ass in here and get her own damn pie. Slave days is over." Nancy laughs through here tears as Conrad holds her. They go inside.

Hodes House - Living Room - Night - Celia is hooking up the teddy bear nanny cam so that she can watch the footage. When it starts we and Celia see Dean, her husband, going at it with the tennis pro in the pool house. We see the tennis racket rise up into the frame and he yells "Put it in me!" As Celia watches she tilts her head to the side. The shot of the footage cuts to Quinn brushing back her hair, flicking her mother off, and mouthing "fuck you." Celia points at the screen and says, "That little cunt. I should've had an abortion."